The Differences Between Gay and Straight People

I've been fighting for gay rights for about 5 years now, and believed in equality for about 8 or so.   In that time, I've learned quite a bit about gay culture, and gay people in general.  As such, I felt the need to compile a complete list of differences between gay and straight people.

Differences

End of list.

There was a video a short while back where a young man decided to explain why living with gay room mates was so cool.  In fact, I'll dig it up here.



Here we have a young man who felt the need to set the record straight on how it's wonderful to live with gay people.   It starts out by him explaining that he used to be apprehensive about gay people, but since immersing himself in gay culture, he found them to be beautiful.  For example, one of them decorates, and they don't get jealous when he's talking to one of their girlfriends.    They have a good thing going.

The thing is, everything he explains are human qualities that really have nothing to do with being gay.   Some people are decorators and make good nesters.  Male or female, gay or straight, it's an attribute that some people have.    Jealousy or being territorial is a human trait as well that some people possess.   They must respect him if they aren't stopping him from talking to their lady friends, because gay people are still protective of their friends.  He doesn't care that they are gay.  As well he shouldn't.   The fact of the matter is that he has good room mates, and good for him.

Although he generalized a gay stereotype, and went with it, he's not far off.   Gay culture is a wee bit different from straight culture, but that's to be expected.   Hunters and golfers have different cultures too, but nobody really cares.   The culture shock is exciting, and he can see the beauty and wonder in it.   Although he doesn't seem to have seen it yet, the interesting thing about gay culture is that it's made up of gay people, and people are people.   Just regular people.  The culture itself has it's own uniqueness, but the people.  The people are the same.

Everyone just tends to get hung up on the perceived differences of gay people.  Men that are fancy decorators that dress well with a feminine vibe must be gay.   Straight men of this persona are called metrosexual.   The media hypes this persona because a flamboyant gay guy gets ratings.  It's funny to watch, and is basically a modern day freak show.  But the media is calming down now, and presenting gay men as much more normal which is nice.   The interesting thing is that gay men are normal.  You pass them every day on the street, and you can't tell.   They are doctors, lawyers, mechanics, vendors, masculine, feminine, tall short, happy, sad, and every other normality.

Sometimes gay people dress up, and act a little more feminine than normal when going out.  Sometimes straight men dress up nice, and act a little more masculine when going out.   Sometimes gay men dress up nice, and act a little more masculine when going out.   To be honest, very few straight men dress up and act feminine as that's not culturally accepted, and considered to be weak.  But the point is that we purport the persona that we want people to see and associate with us.   Gay people are no different.

BUT BUT BUT, Gay men like dudes, and straight men like women!  That's a difference.  Right?   Nope.   So if gay men are normal in every respect, than we must focus strictly on sexuality to prove they are different, right?  Because we have to make them different.   But why do we have to make them different?  So we can categorize them in our minds as something other than us?   Sexuality doesn't make them different either.   Why not?   Two straight men still have a different sexuality.  We all have a different sexuality, and prefer different things, different types, different acts, different temperatures, different everything regarding sex.   So one man could like blondes, and prefer romance while another prefers brunettes and exciting fun.

Line 20 men up in a row, and they will all have different preferences.   Two men that love football, guns, John Grisham novels, marshal arts, and chess might have so much to talk about while one is straight and the other is gay.   So is that really a difference?   Even gay men have different types.   Some prefer blondes while others prefer brunettes.  Some prefer romance while others prefer fun.  Some prefer smooth and beautiful young men while others prefer the big hairy beast.    Some prefer masculine while others prefer feminine.    Gay men's sexual preferences are far and wide.   It's just easier to label them as gay, and therefore different.  A nice neat stereotype to put categorically on a shelf with precision.   But that would be wrong.

Lesbians are the same.  Some are masculine, and some are feminine.  Same with straight women.   In fact, just about everything I just said about gay men can be attributed to lesbians.   The only difference between gay men and lesbians are the fact that gay men are men, and lesbians are women.  Men are from mars, and women are from Venus. But there is really very little difference between lesbians and straight women just like gay men.

There are however some differences which are purely cultural.  By cultural, I mean our whole culture in which we make them different by categorizing gay people as different.   For example, lesbian women have more orgasms than straight women.   Why?   Lesbians have to fight for what they want and need, and therefore, they tend to get it.   Straight women seem to settle quite a bit more which seems to have an adverse affect in the sheets.   Just a quirk I've noticed.

Another cultural difference is that gay people are wonderful and accepting people.   The social ones most certainly are because of societal pressure, they've turned into diamonds.   We as a society created these types of gay people, and they truly are wonderful.   It's interesting to hear people talk about them after hanging out with gay people all night if they've never had the pleasure.   You see, when people are shunned, hurt, discarded, and spit on, there are those that do not want anyone to go through that horror.   So they try and make it so nobody ever feels that way out of compassion and empathy.    Make no mistake though, the gay population also has some very bitter people as well.   They're kind of  like truck drivers, or cops in that they are either really nice, or quite a grumpy asshole.    And of course, they vary between the spectrum as well.

We created these differences by segregating gay people, so those are entirely cultural.  You can see similarities in other people who have gone through the same types of things.

As for actual differences.   There really are none, and the sooner gay people integrate back into mainstream society as fully accepted members with respect, the better.  That time is not far off, and this new generation makes me smile.   With the explosion of the paradigm shift of the internet, our young people are more accepting of different races, creeds, and sexualities.   Racism, and homophobia are dying, and nothing can stop that, no matter how hard people keep trying.   Bigots are a dying breed.

What about transgender, androsexual, cisgender, bigender, cross dressers, FTM/MTF, genderless, intersex, hermaphrodite, hypersex, asexual, pansexual, skoliosexual, third gender, or transsexual people?   (If I left you out, I apologize.)

Well if gay people aren't different, than obviously these people are, right?   Nope.   The fact is, we're all different, and because of that, we're all the same.   We all laugh, love, and cry.  We all have hobbies whether they be reading, hiking, driving, swimming, or animals.    We all have to obtain money for a living, and most of us work to fulfill that part of our lives.   We all go to the grocery store for food, and we all shop everywhere else as well.    We all struggle to have our own unique identity, and stay true to it.   We all like different types of music, and not some others.   And of course we all have different sexual identities and sexual preferences.

We're all Human, and hugs are better than hurts.

Women do not have "The" Power

Specifically regarding dating, or being the gate keepers of sex.  I heard today, and have heard a million times before that women are the ones with "the" power because they have the final say.  They make the decision, and are in charge.   I'm not going to be misogynistic here, but quite the opposite.  I am however, going to analyze the crap out of this statement.

The first thing to note here is that it's black and white.  False Dichotomy's are ever so dangerous, and whenever you hear one you agree with, that's when you need to pull out your critical thinking skills.   The second thing to note is that this is not a gender biased statement.  So for the purposes of being politically correct, I'm going to discuss this as the pursuer, and the pursued.  Men are not always the pursuers, and women are not always the pursued.

So who has "the" power?   I would say both.   The pursued most certainly have a lot of power when it comes to making the decision.   This can not be denied.  They have the power to say yes or no.   To say that the pursued have "the" power means that they have all the power which completely negates or disregards the power of the pursuer.   Any pursued that naively believe the power solely relies with them will be the ones that find themselves in a situation with their back against the wall.

A man made a comment the other day trying to console a young woman who was feeling the pressure of being hit on by a co-worker.  Paraphrasing, he said 'to not worry about it, and just enjoy being complimented and flirted with, because after all, she was the one in control.'  She felt uncomfortable with the compliments and flirts, and he was telling her to be comfortable with it, and be satisfied because she was in control.   The first part of this statement really pissed off a few local feminists, but the latter was mostly ignored by them.   She is the one in control, or has "the" power.  If that's true, why did he say to just let it slide?  Another comment made supporting the latter when I asked when I asked "Out of curiosity, why do women get to be in charge?  Why do men?  Why not come up with a mutually beneficial arrangement, make a deal, and act?"  An insightful woman said this:

"Ah, there it is.  I wondered when someone would throw out the "why are women in charge" bit.  ...  "In a nutshell, it's society.  In a society where men pursue women, a woman is in charge of the outcome of said pursuance.  That does not mean that women control everything, nor does it mean that every situation falls into this.  If the woman is pursuing the man, which many women do very often, the man will have control of the outcome.  But when we're talking about sex... heterosexual sex...  yes the man must be consensual, but the woman will end up in control based on anatomy."

So the man said she was in charge because she makes the decision, and that is backed up by a woman.  Both mean well, and parrot the same timeless doctrine.  That the pursued is in charge.  Yet, she was asked to let her pursuer be in charge, (By just enjoying the compliments and flirts, and doing nothing), and to be OK with it because she was the one in charge.  If ever there was a brain teaser, this one is it.

So let's talk about the power of the Pursuer?   The pursuer has most of the work, and the ability to set the stage.  The pursuer can influence events, influence people to help, and do much more.   Why?  Because a pursuer is a salesperson making a sale, and all the laws of sales apply.   This isn't necessarily a bad thing.  A great date includes getting more people involved to solely focus on the date.  The pursuer has to make a case to show the pursued that they are worth taking a chance on.   However, just like business and sales, if things are done unethically, it can get hairy.

Most pursuers will respect the pursued, and play fair.  "Hi, this is me, and this what I'm about, are you interested?" can sum up about 3 or 4 hang outs with the pursued when the pursuer is being honest and forthright.   For that matter, most flirting is harmless fun.

When the pursuers are not being honest, it can be quite interesting.  Sadly, these tactics work.  Dishonesty includes making promises that one never intends to keep.  Presenting themselves in a false light.  Trash talking, or spreading rumors about rivals to limit the choices of the pursued.   Giving the pursued "the choice".  Yes, the pursued has the power to make the choice, but when the pursuer presents the choice in such a way that the pursued can only choose in a manner the pursuer has approved.   For example, "So when do you want to go out, Friday or Saturday?"  Yes, the pursued sure has a choice there, but "no" is not mentioned as an option.   To go beyond that, let's say the pursuer destroys relationships with the pursued, and then presents him/herself as the only option if he/she does not want to be alone.   Or even worse, gives him/her the option between him/herself and someone else of a much lesser social status.   So far, just unethical manipulation, and I haven't even made it to blackmail or threats.  Unethical manipulation is usually chalked up as harassment and stalking.  But, it's not always easy to see, especially for the pursued.

Whenever anyone avoids a relationship with anyone who uses the previous paragraph's tactics, it's known as "dodging a bullet."   Sadly, when someone gets into a relationship with someone who uses these tactics, they usually get used and abused.  And most likely eventually discarded.   Manipulation like this exists, and here's the kicker.

By claiming that the pursued have "the power" or are the ones "in control", that is just another sales tactic designed to give a false sense of security.  It's a slight of hand, or a classic misdirection designed to disregard the influence of the pursued.   Or in other words, it's saying "No need to pay attention to how they are pursuing you, or what tactics they are using.  If you're not interested, you can just say no because you have all the power."     The last sentence is still true with regards to decision making, even if the pursued pays attention to how he/she is being pursued, but it's used as an excuse to not pay attention.   Assuming the pursuer has no power is quite the wrong assumption.

A boss or supervisor makes decisions based on their advisers, or employees, and budding relationships are no different.  In this case, the pursued takes advice from friends and family, but most importantly, the pursuer.   Then a decision is made.

How-to Guide to Be a Skeptic #2 (Read this one first please)

After writing the How-to Guide to Be a Skeptic, I realized something.  It's a horrible guide on how to be a Skeptic, but a pretty wonderful article on being a Skeptic if I do say so myself.  So I've decided to write a more goal oriented piece that's easier to digest with more structure.  That said, here we go.

As disclaimer, I will pilfer parts of the original as it was intended to be a how-to guide.

Why would you want to be a Skeptic?   

Skepticism is a structured way of thinking that will allow you to prioritize, and organize the information you take in for easier utilization.   The most common way of thinking is that if it sounds good, it is good.   That's not good.   Critical thinking helps filter the bad or wrong information that's available to you so that you can focus on what's right and true.

The main reason that skeptics have a bad rap is because liars, con artists, and other smooth talkers want people to buy their bill of goods without question.  Skeptics get in the way of that, so they are demonized and vilified.  It's also easy to accept these bad arguments because Skeptics can be frustrating to try and convince.  However, Skeptics do a great service by keeping people that would scam you in check.   Here are a few examples of philanthropic skeptic organizations.   Charity Navigator verifies the legitimacy of charitable organizations so that you know you're donating to a good cause.  Most charities are scams, and organizations like these protect you.   Another is Snopes that works hard to debunk and call to light internet rumors that are not true.   Politifact works diligently to dispell any falsehoods when it comes to politics.  As you can see, skepticism is very valuable, and ultimately works to your advantage.

Therefore, the very reason to be a Skeptic is to help yourself, and others.  It's not about tearing anything down, but examining all new information under the light of critical thinking.   If this new information can not withstand scrutiny, than it can and should be thrown out.   After all, you would research an investment offer, would you not?   So why not a news story, or Aunt Jamilla's claim to fame?  

There are two ways to be a Skeptic.  The first is to just learn the way, and put it to work when you like.  For example, a skeptical outlook would be to:

1.  Observe something either by hearing or seeing.
2.  Examine what you've observed and form a theory.
3.  Research, and/or test said theory.
4.  Come to a conclusion based on the results.

So now you know how to be a general Skeptic, but it's not a natural way of thinking.  You can call this process up whenever you need it, but it's not how your mind generally works.  That leaves us with the second way to become a Skeptic.  The hard way in which you can train your mind to automatically be skeptical.   To do this, it can take quite a while with consistency, and you just need 10 minutes per day.

STEP 1

The first thing a good skeptic needs is humility, and to understand that he/she is not perfect.   Faulty personal perception can greatly inhibit a person's ability to find the truth, so before you even entertain the idea of examining someone else's position, you need to be prepared.   Here are some ways of thinking that you need to watch out for in order to keep your own mind in check.

They are called Cognitive Distortions.

We all make these mistakes, and the best way to avoid them is to be aware of them.   Memorize, and try to catch yourself whenever you make these mistakes in your thinking.   This can take a month or two.   The best way is to keep a journal on you; a little notepad of sorts, and write down whenever you have an unsubstantiated thought.   "My co-workers were a little standoffish, and my immediate thought was that they were displeased with me.   Maybe I'm not working hard enough, or maybe I'm working too hard.  Maybe I made a mistake.   All fallacious as I am jumping to conclusions.  Perhaps they were just busy.  There is no conclusive evidence that anything is wrong."   Writing down each faulty thought and analyzing it will help you to focus your thoughts in positive and constructive ways.

This is just one exercise in Cognitve Behavioral Therapy which has many health benefits including, but not limited to, a drastic improvement in depression.   We're simply utilizing it for balance before critiquing someone else's work.

STEP 2

So now, are you ready to examine and critique another person's viewpoint or claim?   Not quite.   Most people skip the last section on self evaluation, and go straight to the next part which are fallacies.   They completely dismiss their own faults, and try to find faults in other people.   So once you have the cognitive distortions nailed down, you need to keep your own fallacies in check, and be able to recognize the fallacious arguments given by others.

This list is very large, and will take quite a bit of time to study.   I would recommend studying one fallacy per day, and finding at least 10 examples of it.   Then do the list 3 times.  This will take many months at 10 minutes per day, but that's OK.  It's called self betterment.  It can go more quickly if you study two or three fallacies per day, but no more than three, otherwise you'll burn out.  You can find 10 examples in 10 minutes, but your mind can wander off by taking on more.   So the first set takes 10 minutes, and the third set takes 20 minutes to find your 10 examples.  I recommend one at a time.  Quality and consistency over quantity and speed.

List of fallacies

STEP 3

CONGRATULATIONS!!  Now you are ready to critique other people.  You've examined yourself, and gotten familiar with fallacies.   So now all you need is a method of Skepticism to put your hard work to use.   There are a few different types of critical thinking, and feel free to go it your own way, but I prefer the Scientific Method.  It works for everything including debates, sales pitches, politics, shopping, personal arguments, relationships, and so much more.   So long as you can utilize it correctly.

SCIENTIFIC METHOD

Reiterated; This works with just about everything, especially skepticism.   If anything doesn't pass this sort of scrutiny, than it's not worth adopting.   Let's examine a vacuum cleaner salesman's pitch, shall we?

Frank comes to your door, and offers to shampoo, and clean the carpets in one room completely free of charge.  All he asks is that he can show you the product while he's doing it.  Fair deal right?  You're under no obligation, so you agree, and set a date.   Frank comes back with the Super Sucker 4000 (Thank You Jeff Daniels for the inspiration by making your movie Super Sucker.  I've honestly never seen it, but I'll buy it just because I pilfered the name.), and it's an awesome vacuum, or so Frank says.   Frank gives his spiel, and it's only $2,000 dollars.   Pretty Spendy, and is it worth it?

Well, let's scrutinize.

• Is this vacuum worth $2,000?
• Studying, there are various types of vacuums out there from $60 to $3,000.   The mechanics are pretty much the same on most, and some are made more cheaply than others.   Customer reviews are an immense help.  
• I already have a vacuum that works just fine, and not only do not need to spend money, but I believe that $2,000 for this particular vacuum is a complete rip off after researching.   (You can obviously end here after the hypothesis for this particular example, but for the sake of the example we will continue to the bitter end.)
• You're skeptical, and you relay your concerns to Frank who just brushes them aside.   So you challenge him to a vacuum off with several other different types of vacuums.   May the best vacuum win.  
• Worked like a charm.  Come to find out, this mega super duper vacuum is just a plain old vacuum, and one that cost $250 (Which is fairly expensive for a vacuum) completely decimated Frank's vacuum, and even looks to be built better.)   
• Now we put together all the data for the experiment, and present it to all the participants.  Sorry Frank, you came in 4th.   
• It's all for naught as you already have a great vacuum, but you've decided which one you're buying when that breaks down.   

And there we have it.  Skepticism at work.  You just stopped yourself from getting screwed for $2,000.

Just like with the Cognitive Distortions, and the Fallacies, you need to practice this method as well.   Not by having an argument on facebook, even going all out with a public debate, but with every day mundane things.   Which cable do you buy?   Should you eat that?   Is your particular exercise working?   Who is that hottie next door?   Should I buy this vacuum?   Make a chart, and map each thing you try, and try to do at least 5 per day.   This will train your mind to work like a Skeptic, and pretty soon, critical thinking will come naturally.

STEP 4

There are things to keep in mind while being a skeptic.  The first are compassion and empathy.   Anyone you critique honestly believes their way is the best way, and respecting that will go a long way.  If they are wrong, leaving them unchecked is not respect, but supporting their ignorance.   But you can present your findings in a way that shows respect.  However, they could be right, so we can't discount anything until scrutinized.

 I personally prefer the Feedback Model that most businesses use.

Admire Accomplishments, and give credit where credit is due.  Compliment them on where their presentation is good, and acknowledge the positivism of what they are doing.  Offer your criticism, and lastly your altered presentation.

Yes, I cut a few things out of the feedback model for being a skeptic.  The more respect you have from the person you're critiquing, the more input you will have from them.   An argument on the internet should follow the previous paragraph, but critiquing your nephew on his plan to get involved in a pyramid scheme will have a lot more input, and you can use one of the Feedback Models on their website much more effectively as he will contribute a lot more.

Conclusion

You are a strong person, so please don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes, and don't let your friends get taken advantage of.   You have the tools available to you, and you can be a wonderful person in employing these various tactics.   You don't have to be a staunch, dismissive jerk to be strong.   That's not really being strong either, it's merely protecting yourself with ignorance.

Instead, be a skeptic.

SCHEDULE

Week1 CD:

Mon- Study Cognitive Distortions for 10 minutes, and think of an example when you thought this.
Tue- Write down whenever you think of a Cognitive Distortion throughout the day.
Wed- Study Cognitive Distortions for 10 minutes, and think of an example when you thought this.
Thu- Write down whenever you think of a Cognitive Distortion throughout the day.
Fri-Study Cognitive Distortions for 10 minutes, and think of an example when you thought this.
Sat- OFF
Sun-OFF  (Days off can of course coincide with days off of work or school.  This is your project.)

Week2 CD:

Mon- Study Cognitive Distortions for 10 minutes, and think of an example when you thought this.
Tue- Write down, and analyze each Cognitive Distortion.
Wed- Study Cognitive Distortions for 10 minutes, and think of an example when you thought this.
Thu- Write down, and analyze each Cognitive Distortion.
Fri-  Write down, and analyze each Cognitive Distortion.
Sat- OFF
Sun-OFF  (Days off can of course coincide with days off of work or school.  This is your project.)

Week3 CD:  Repeat Week 1
Week4 CD:  Repeat Week 2

Weekly schedule for Fallacies:

Mon- Study a Fallacy, and find 10 examples of it throughout the day.
Tue- Study a Fallacy, and find 10 examples of it throughout the day.
Wed- Study a Fallacy, and find 10 examples of it throughout the day.
Thu- Study a Fallacy, and find 10 examples of it throughout the day.
Fri-  Study a Fallacy, and find 10 examples of it throughout the day.
Sat- OFF
Sun-OFF  (Days off can of course coincide with days off of work or school.  This is your project.)

Finish the list 3 times, and you should have it down.

Weekly Schedule for Skepticism:

Mon- Critique and analyze 3 simple questions you ask yourself throughout the day.
Tue- Critique and analyze 3 simple questions you ask yourself throughout the day.
Wed- Critique and analyze 3 simple questions you ask yourself throughout the day.  
Thu- Critique and analyze 3 simple questions you ask yourself throughout the day.
Fri-  Critique and analyze 3 simple questions you ask yourself throughout the day.   .
Sat- OFF
Sun-OFF  (Days off can of course coincide with days off of work or school.  This is your project.)

Should I eat this salad?  Should I turn left or right?  Should I stop at the gas station for a snack?

This should be done for at least 6 weeks.

Weekly Schedule for Feedback:

Mon- Critique and analyze 3 statements given by other people, and give constructive feedback.
Tue- Review Monday's 3 statements given by other people, and analyze your constructive feedback.  
Wed- Critique and analyze 3 statements given by other people, and give constructive feedback. 
Thu- Review Wednesday's 3 statements given by other people, and analyze your constructive feedback.
Fri-  Critique and analyze 3 statements given by other people, and give constructive feedback.
Sat- OFF
Sun-OFF  (Days off can of course coincide with days off of work or school.  This is your project.)

This should be done for about 3-6 weeks.

After you teach yourself how to be a Skeptic via the above method, you will have completely changed the way your mind processes information.   Side effects may include, loss of depression, ease of thought, quicker wit, and more smiles.   

How-to Guide to be a Skeptic

Being a true skeptic is pretty difficult, and I see people making a great many mistakes in it.  So here's a how-to guide on getting to the truth.   It's not just about checking sources, recognizing fallacies, laying the burden of proof on the correct party, and believing when verified.  Those are a big part of being a skeptic, but by far from a complete list.

I guess we should first discuss what a skeptic actually is.  Many have the misconception that a skeptic is merely an asshole that just won't listen to reason.  That's pretty hilarious, because a skeptic is asking for exactly that; reason.   A true skeptic merely wants proof of claims in order to believe, and it's not an unreasonable request.   If you want me to believe something, than please, by all means, give me a viable reason.  It's a way of thinking that categorizes information in a logical and strategic way.

The main reason that skeptics have a bad rap is because liars, con artists, and other smooth talkers want people to buy their bill of goods without question.  Skeptics get in the way of that, so they are demonized and vilified.  In essence, skeptics do a great service by keeping people like this in check.   Here are a few examples of philanthropic skeptic organizations.   Charity Navigator verifies the legitimacy of charitable organizations so that you know you're donating to a good cause.  Most charities are scams, and organizations like these protect you.   Another is Snopes that works hard to debunk and call to light internet rumors that are not true.   Politifact works diligently to dispell any falsehoods when it comes to politics.  As you can see, skepticism is very valuable, and ultimately works to your advantage.

What skepticism is not, is calling bullshit on everything that disagrees with your pallet.  Skepticism is not pessimism, or predicting the negative.   Skepticism is not being an asshole.  Skepticism is not assuming someone is wrong until they prove it.   These are common mistakes that many would be skeptics make.   So let's get started.

The first thing a good skeptic needs is humility, and to understand that he/she is not perfect.   Faulty personal perception can greatly inhibit a person's ability to find the truth, so before you even entertain the idea of examining someone else's position, you need to be prepared.   Here are some ways of thinking that you need to watch out for in order to keep your own mind in check.  They are called Cognitive Distortions, and I'm going to give two examples of each one with skepticism and dating.  Everyone is a skeptic when it comes to dating, so it will be easy to relate.

1.  All or Nothing / Black and White:  Very few things in this world are one or the other.   Completely right, and completely wrong are most always sought in every argument, but very rarely is everything so one sided.

With relation to being a skeptic, this usually gets in the way when completely dismissing an entire subject because one or two of the opposing supportive statements are wrong, disagreeable, or unproven.   The correct course of action there would be prove the supporting statements wrong, and ask the opposition to remove them from the argument.   If the argument fails, than it fails.  But it might still have value.

With relation to dating, this usually occurs when you dismiss someone simply for 1 or 2 red flags.   He/She is not right for me because of X, or Y.   'He/She talked over me last night a few times, so obviously he/she's a control freak, and I better run for the hills.'   Or the reverse.  'He/She likes the same band as me, so we're obviously meant to be.   It must be true love.' 

2.  Overgeneralization / Labeling and Mislabeling:  Nothing is more devastating to skepticism and critical thinking than making hasty generalizations with insufficient evidence.

With relation to being a skeptic, this usually happens when the point of view being presented is dismissed for the wrong reasons.   For example, a liberal skeptic is much more inclined to completely dismiss a conservative argument merely because it's conservative.   Or a conservative dismisses the liberal argument for the same reasons.   'After all, they are usually wrong, so they are probably wrong about this.'   That's not critical examination.

With relation to dating:   You stereotype your prospective date without knowing anything about them.  'He's a jock, and most likely just wants to get down my pants.'   'She's a barbie girl; hot but probably no brains'.  // Little does she know that Mr. Jock is a gentleman with a passionate heart, and Ms. Barbie quick to the quip, and has a 4.0.  

Overgeneralizing is finding a reason to dismiss the claim without actually finding a viable reason.  It's just making stuff up without sufficient evidence to back it up.

3.  Filtering/Disqualifying the Positive:  Focusing on everything you disagree with, and discounting the rest.

With relation to being a skeptic, this does nothing to find the truth.  Every point needs evaluation.  Seriously, please don't cut corners.

With relation to dating, a person either completely overlooks any faults on the other person, or only focuses on the faults.  "This person is wrong for this reason, this reason, this, and this."   Yep, he/she's gone.  I'm sure he/she had some positive attributes, but they aren't being weighed.   Just an instant throw away.

4.  Jumping to Conclusions / Mind Reading / Fortune Telling:  Making predictions without substantial evidence.

This happens way too much with having a debate.  Predicting what will happen if the opponents view ever came to fruition without evidence usually ends up with a slippery slope fallacy.  It also happens when you tell someone else what they are thinking, and then telling them they are wrong.

With relation to dating, assuming it will end badly, so not even giving it a try.  'Well, it's probably going to fail anyway.'  Or, 'I'm going to move someday, so getting involved is a bad idea'.   Then there is assuming what the other person is thinking, and acting on that without even discussion.   I'm sure you can see the problematics with this way of thinking in relation to dating.

5.  Magnification or Minimization:  Giving greater weight or too little weight to any particular argument.

With relation to being a skeptic, it can be challenging to give the correct portion of value to any given statement or claim, but please be diligent in trying.  Salesmen do this a lot when saying that their product is the best ever, and they maximize the crap out of little features.   "Look, this little do-hickey turns 30 degrees like this.  It'll cure your cancer."   You don't want to be an unethical salesman, do you?

With relation to dating, this way of thinking destroys relationships.   He/she checked someone out, and then jealousy rages.   Or with minimization, someone cheats, but it's explained away, and then festers.

6.  Emotional Reasoning:  Declaring something to be true because you feel a particular way.

With relation to skepticism, just because you disdain something doesn't make it false.   Or because something makes you happy, doesn't make it true.   Being objective takes a little practice, but if you can realize how your feelings are affecting the argument, than you can adjust for equilibrium.  I love cake, therefore it must be good for you.  That's an extreme example with an obvious flaw, but makes the point.  A little more subtle; I'm scared of being mugged, and therefore going outside at night is dangerous.   Statistically, the odds of a person getting mugged is the exact same whether or not they are afraid.  Those odds are pretty low, but you can take steps to protect yourself, and make yourself a harder target.

With relation to dating, a lot of things are overlooked simply because of emotional reasoning.  'I feel that I am unattractive so he/she probably thinks I'm unattractive too.'  

7.  Should Statements:  Declaring what should happen before weighing all the options, or considering another person's point of view.

With relation to skepticism, it's obviously an instant dismissal without evaluation.  The complete opposite of skepticism.

With relation to dating, if you make all the plans without considering the other person's point of view, you're going to have a bad time.

8.  Personalization:  Making it about you.

Being a skeptic while assuming someone is doing what they are doing specifically to cater to or defy you will influence you in a bad way.   Your brother wants to get a drum set, and you automatically think it's specifically to annoy the crap out of you.   Maybe he just likes percussion, and hears rhythm wherever he goes.

With dating, being self absorbed will get you single really fast.   Or assuming negative things about yourself because of the actions of your partner.   'He/she suggested the Salad Palace, so he/she must think I need to lose weight.'   Maybe he/she just likes a good salad.

9.  Blaming:  Making it about them.   The opposite of personalization.

If you are trying to be a skeptic, but assume the other person has their view out of narcissism is just another excuse to dismiss.  Just like it's not all about you, it's not always about them either.

With relation to dating, assuming the other person is responsible for all the problems causes a pretty huge disconnect.

End of List

These are all examples of Cognitive Distortions, and doing your best to avoid these ways of thinking will prevent you from being fallacious.  We all make these mistakes, and the best way to avoid them is to be aware of them.   Memorize, and try to catch yourself whenever you make these mistakes in your thinking.   This can take a month or two.   The best way is to keep a journal on you; a little notepad of sorts, and write down whenever you have an unsubstantiated thought.   "My co-workers were a little standoffish, and my immediate thought was that they were displeased with me.   Maybe I'm not working hard enough, or maybe I'm working too hard.  Maybe I made a mistake.   All fallacious as I am jumping to conclusions.  Perhaps they were just busy.  There is no conclusive evidence that anything is wrong."   Writing down each faulty thought and analyzing it will help you to focus your thoughts in positive and constructive ways.

This is just one exercise in Cognitve Behavioral Therapy which has many health benefits including, but not limited to, a drastic improvement in depression.   We're simply utilizing it for balance before critiquing someone else's work.

So now, are you ready to examine and critique another person's viewpoint or claim?   Not quite.   Most people skip the last section on self evaluation, and go straight to the next part which are fallacies.   They completely dismiss their own faults, and try to find faults in other people.   So once you have the cognitive distortions nailed down, you need to keep your own fallacies in check, and be able to recognize the fallacious arguments given by others.

This list is very large, and will take quite a bit of time to study.   I would recommend studying one fallacy per day, and finding at least 10 examples of it.   Then do the list 3 times.  This will take couple of months, but that's OK.  It's called self betterment.  I'm not going to go through examples of each fallacy because very few people know about cognitive distortions, but almost everyone knows about fallacies.  Granted, most do not adhere to them, but they know about them.

List of fallacies.

CONGRATULATIONS!!  Now you are ready to critique other people.  You've examined yourself, and gotten familiar with fallacies.   So now all you need is a method of Skepticism.   There are a few different types of critical thinking, and feel free to go it your own way, but I prefer the Scientific Method.  It works for everything including debates, sales pitches, politics, shopping, personal arguments, relationships, and so many more.   So long as you can utilize it correctly.

SCIENTIFIC METHOD

Reiterated; This works with just about everything, especially skepticism.   If anything doesn't pass this sort of scrutiny, than it's not worth adopting.   Let's examine a vacuum cleaner salesman's pitch, shall we?

Frank comes to your door, and offers to shampoo, and clean the carpets in one room completely free of charge.  All he asks is that he can show you the product while he's doing it.  Fair deal right?  You're under no obligation, so you agree, and set a date.   Frank comes back with the Super Sucker 4000 (Thank You Jeff Daniels for the inspiration by making your movie Super Sucker.  I've honestly never seen it, but I'll buy it just because I pilfered the name.), and it's an awesome vacuum, or so Frank says.   Frank gives his spiel, and it's only $2,000 dollars.   Pretty Spendy, and is it worth it?

Well, let's scrutinize.

• Is this vacuum worth $2,000?
• Studying, there are various types of vacuums out there from $60 to $3,000.   The mechanics are pretty much the same on most, and some are made more cheaply than others.   Customer reviews are an immense help.  
• I already have a vacuum that works just fine, and not only do not need to spend money, but I believe that $2,000 for this particular vacuum is a complete rip off after researching.   (You can obviously end here after the hypothesis for this particular example, but for the sake of the example we will continue to the bitter end.)
• You're skeptical, and you relay your concerns to Frank who just brushes them aside.   So you challenge him to a vacuum off with several other different types of vacuums.   May the best vacuum win.  
• Worked like a charm.  Come to find out, this mega super duper vacuum is just a plain old vacuum, and one that cost $250 (Which is fairly expensive for a vacuum) completely decimated Frank's vacuum, and even looks to be built better.)   
• Now we put together all the data for the experiment, and present it to all the participants.  Sorry Frank, you came in 4th.   
• It's all for naught as you already have a great vacuum, but you've decided which one you're buying when that breaks down.   

And there we have it.  Skepticism at work.  You just stopped yourself from getting screwed for $2,000.

There are things to keep in mind while being a skeptic.  The first are compassion and empathy.   Anyone you critique honestly believes their way is the best way, and respecting that will go a long way.  Leaving them unchecked is not respect, but supporting their ignorance.   But you can present your findings in a way that shows respect.   I personally prefer the Feedback Model that most businesses use.

Admire Accomplishments, and give credit where credit is due.  Compliment them on where their presentation is good, and acknowledge the positivism of what they are doing.  Offer your criticism, and lastly your altered presentation.

Yes, I cut a few things out of the feedback model for being a skeptic.  The more respect you have from the person you're critiquing, the more input you will have from them.   An argument on the internet should follow the previous paragraph, but critiquing your nephew on his plan to get involved in a pyramid scheme will have a lot more input, and you can use one of the Feedback Models on their website much more effectively as he will contribute a lot more.

Next up is success.  Success in changing someone's mind when being a skeptic can vary depending on what, who, and why you are critiquing.   If you challenge someone's religion, there will be a very low rate of success.  If you're in a boardroom brainstorming on various business plans, options, and models, you will look like you know exactly what you are doing because you will be, and the success rate will be very high.

Please bare in mind that if you challenge someone's core beliefs, there is a very long learning curve.   What makes perfect sense to you, and even if you present it in an easily understandable format, it may still be completely dismissed.   For example, an indoctrinated religious person most oft times, have spent their entire lives learning and living their belief system.   If you want to challenge that, you need to be patient as it will take a very long time to make that learning curve, and they have to want it themselves.   This can take years.  Also, please don't be a dick.  If you challenge someone's religion, and if they walk away from it, please be supportive when they sink into a deep depression after losing a very important part of their lives.   Remember, compassion, and empathy.

You can also use your skepticism for small things in life like business meetings, dealings with clients, co-workers, customers, and various other things, it will help you tremendously on being fast, efficient, and one hell of a team mate.   People will trust you to get the job done, and done right.   The more you build this reputation, the more you will get the sensitive projects.  If you incorporate compassion and empathy into your system of skepticism, you will also be on quite a few short lists for promotion.

You are a strong person, so please don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes, and don't let your friends get taken advantage of.   You have the tools available to you, and you can be a wonderful person in employing these various tactics.   You don't have to be a staunch, dismissive jerk to be strong.   That's not really being strong either, it's merely protecting yourself with ignorance.

Instead, be a skeptic.

Discipline With Love

I'm often confronted by people from both sides of the "Spanking" controversy.  Is Spanking abuse?  It's a good question, and should be pondered.  Another one that should be pondered; Is a Time Out abuse?   Nobody really ever ponders that one because nobody is physically harming the child, so it can't be abuse, right?

The first thing we need to do to answer both questions is take a step back, and examine Discipline.  What is Discipline?   In a perfect world, Discipline is the act we take to ensure our children know that what they did is wrong, and never do it again.  Sadly, some take it to mean that we must hurt our children so they know what's what.   Does Discipline even need to be painful?   The only thing Discipline needs to accomplish is to eradicate that behavior and/or action from occurring again.

When do we cross the line from Discipline to Abuse?  There are two ways, and this is a very easy line to cross, so it's best to be prepared.  If you punish a child for doing something, and they keep doing it, than your punishment is not working.  If you keep using the same punishment, and your child continues to break the same rule, than you have crossed the line to abuse.  It doesn't matter if it's a time out, a spanking, a thumping, yelling, berating, or whatever punishment you think is the best form of punishment.  If it's not working, and you keep doing it, than it is not discipline, but abuse.

To put it a different way with language we commonly use to describe abuse.  If you smack your kid to teach him/her a lesson, and they don't learn, than all you are doing is smacking your kid around.

The second way to cross the line is to simply react out of anger.  Striking in anger is not discipline, but just an action that makes the parent feel better.  An eye for an eye.  The child has learned no lesson other than to not make a parent angry.  The difference is that not making a parent angry is by no means synonymous with not doing the act that made them angry.   All they have to do is try better at hiding it.

So what is the best way to discipline?   Everyone is different, and because you're a parent, you have to figure that out for each child.   One way that works perfectly for one child, probably isn't going to work for another.   I can however suggest a few guidelines to follow.

1.  Never strike in anger.  If you're angry, please tell your child to hold on, and go grab a breather first.   Both you, and the child need to be thinking clearly if this is going to work.

2.  Don't be lazy.   Discipline is hard work, and you have to do it right if you don't want to screw up your kids.

3.  Get to know your children as the people that they are.  Then act accordingly to each "Person's" reception.

What do we want when we discipline.  There are two parties here, and both must benefit.  We obviously want to teach a lesson, and we want that lesson learned.   If one form of discipline does not work, than don't do that again.   Try something else.  Escalate if you need to.

Spanking, and Time Outs are both worthless.   If a child is two or three, than you can get away with a small swat to get their attention.  Compared to them, you have the strength of a dragon on steroids, so just a light jerk will work.   It shouldn't take long for them to understand when they need to pay attention to you as a parent, and then no more swats are needed.   Spanking and Time Outs are Lazy.  They are what you can do to just take care of business, and get back to doing whatever it was that you were doing.  Then your child can go cry somewhere else, and leave you in peace.   Neither work, and granted, I'm basing this off never seeing either work.  I've never seen it happen.

My daughter is 12, and I inflict the worst possible punishment you can imagine.  I talk to her.   I've been doing it since she was 5 years old, and it's never failed me.  I know this won't work with some, but I'll share my method.  When she's acting out, openly defiant, or being unruly, she sits on my lap, and gets to explain why she did what she did.   I get to explain why it's wrong.  Then we get to talk about it a little more with some dialogue.  I then give her the expectations that I want her to live up to, and she sets goals to make that happen.

The last time she sat on my lap was when she was 9.   I'm by no means a dictator, but when I speak as a parent, she listens.  She's never repeated any behavior that she's sat on my lap for, but boy did she ever fight against that form of discipline.  She begged me to do what her Mom does, and put her in Time Out.  That didn't work, so she begged me to spank instead.  She would actually rather get hit than sit on my lap.   Why?   Because it's awkward, and painful to admit your faults.   She usually doesn't have a good reason for doing something worthy of a sitting on my lap.   Time outs are easy for both the child and the parent, but they are mentally damaging to a child.  Spankings are over quickly, and that's their appeal.  A quick show of force to show who the bigger human is.   Neither spanking nor timeouts teach a child to take ownership of their actions, and it probably won't instill the idea that what they did was wrong.  It will however most certainly instill the idea that getting caught is bad.   But taking the time and effort to solve the problem right is much more time consuming, and takes patience.   However, just like most things, if you do the job right the first time, you won't have to do it again for a long time if ever.  

Now remember, just because I gave you the secret to my disciplinary techniques does not mean they will work with your kid.  You have to get to know them, and discipline accordingly.  I can however guarantee that if you discipline with love, and understanding, than you will be successful.   Your bond will grow, and your child will be more well rounded.    You just have to find the right balance.

The Bikini Question Answered

Rey Swimwear

Rachel Clark wrote this article which I thought I'd throw my perspective on.  Also a shout out to Rey Swimwear for pilfering their photo off of Rachel's article (It is after all a response article).   They have some nice modest swim suits too.

Summer is here, and water is a great way to cool off.   Pretty fun too.  All some people see are bikinis, but truth be known, most women don't wear them.  I believe you can trust me on this as I am a man, and I notice bikinis.  I believe this can be attributed to a bunch of factors, and I'm just spouting off a few guesses here  (As I'm not female).  First and foremost, I believe that most women are conscientious of their bodies, and therefore stride to hide them.   This saddens me a bit because we live in a culture that glorifies the Barbie Model as the way a woman should look.   Men believe it, women believe it, and we start our little girls off believing it when we buy them their first barbie.   Beauty is first and foremost.  Just look at the model above sporting that mascara.   She's truly beautiful, but who wears mascara to go swimming?   It's our culture, and it's fortified every day and night via entertainment, gender roles, advertising everywhere, and my personal favorite; where we break the ice with little girls by telling them how cute they are.  

One might notice that Rachel made it a point to declare that she isn't shying away from bikinis due to insecurity.   I believe her.  Another reason is Modesty which is the topic I've come to weigh in on.   Modesty is an interesting phenomenon brought about by the notion that hiding sexuality somehow does everyone a service.   Religions preach it constantly, and at work, sex or sexuality is a taboo discussion point that's to be avoided.   We're very careful about what is and is not appropriate for children, and sex ed is constantly being debated.   There is a sub-sect of society that wants to hide sex and sexuality at all costs, and pretend it doesn't exist.   Oh, Modesty...

The other day, I was walking to the store with my 11 year old daughter, and it was almost 100 degrees.  She's a big one on modesty, and even covers my eyes when walking by the magazine rack so I don't see the models in bikinis on the cover.   The walk wasn't far, maybe 1/4 of a mile, but long enough that she was pretty uncomfortable in her long shirt/short dress with leggings and an undershirt to boot.   Yep, she was clad to high heaven, and on the way back, she was so miserable that she mentioned it several times.   Poor Girl.   She cooled off at home, and changed her clothes to something more comfortable, yet still modest.  She's a good girl that was sacrificing her personal comfortablity for modesty.

But what is the Sacrifice for?   'Because how we dress affects those around us.'  This is most assuredly true.  But how does it affect.  Proponents of modest clothes would have us believe that men are subversively affected, and will sin inside their own minds because they see a woman in a bikini.   What is the role of men here?  Are we to control ourselves?  Of course we can control ourselves.  We have to, otherwise it's sexual harassment at every turn.   So is it a woman's job to help us control ourselves?   The answer to that is no.  Not at all.   Some men are gentlemen, and some aren't.  Whether you're wearing a bikini or a burka, a man who's going to sexually objectify you is going to sexually objectify you.  A man that's not is also not going to, regardless of what you wear.

So am I advocating for you all to wear less clothes so that I can see every curve?   Not at all, even if I don't mind in the least.   Instead, I think I'll try and paint a clear picture of exactly the affect that modesty in general has on those who practice, and society in general.   My hope is that you'll wear what you're comfortable wearing.

Women, do you want a man who notices your smile, or God loving personality, rather than your chest or thighs?    Of course you do.  You want to be known for you, right?    The flaw in the logic is to exclude sexuality all together.  We're sexual beings, and sexuality is a very important part of any relationship.   I pity those who are in a relationship with absolutely no sexual attraction to their spouse.  Oh the turmoil of the dead bed.    Truth be known, I'm a hair and eyes guy, and both are accentuated by a nice smile.  That's a truly beautiful picturesque scene right there when in the right light.   Interestingly enough though, this scene is still objectifying the body.     As for God..  If you love God, and a guy loves God, then you're both on the right track of making a God loving family full of God loving children.     So why can't your hopes and dreams be complete while including sexuality?   I assure you, they most certainly can.

Now, while women who have modesty bored into them may feel guilty for "causing" men to sin, what's it like for men?   Men growing up in the same type of atmosphere are taught that their bodily functions are sins, and feel ever so guilty when a sexual reaction happens.   They deal with it in different ways, and this is just embarrassing, but here we go.   Some will completely blame women, and try to get them to be modest because women are giving them unclean sinful thoughts.   Others will avoid women because the evil temptresses give them unclean sinful thoughts.   The best type of man in this situation we can hope for will pretend that nothing at all is happening.  

The sad part is each of these three types of men are going through their own personal hell.   The first is a misogynistic asshole that is very controlling towards women, blames women for their own personal faults, and ultimately is just a little boy that wants a doting mother in the women he dates and/or marries.   He will never have an equal relationship with a woman, nor will he ever know real love.   Even if he beats a woman down to complete servitude.   The second type avoids women, and will become the creep that women get scared of as he observes from afar.   He's probably a nice guy, but just comes off as creepy when gets close and his eyes wander.    A very lonely man this one is.  The last type is one that's never honest about everything.   Women go for him more often because the front is quite appealing.   Since he's never honest, and upfront, problems are created due to hiding various things.    Yes, we men suffer from the modesty indoctrination too.

But where is all this coming from?   The campaign for modesty, or to completely hide from sexuality as if it doesn't exist.   What is this campaign doing anyway?  What's it for?   Long story short.  Sex sells.   That's it right there.  Sex sells.   Sex is a commodity, and it's extremely valuable.  The value is derived by everyone on the planet being sexual beings.  (Minus 2 or 3 of course.)    Since sex is a product that is sold, if you implement the laws of supply and demand, the supply must be controlled to keep up the demand which keeps the value up.    It is for this reason alone that modesty and abstinence are preached so heavily.  

The best example of this that I know of is City Creek Center, a mall built by the Mormon Church for a few billion dollars.  The Mormon Church, otherwise known as the LDS Church is pretty well known for it's stance on modesty.  This mall is quite literally the Mormon Mall since they spent most of the money building it.   To the right is an advertisement for City Creek Center in which the Modesty Clause is simply being overlooked.   Why?  Because sex sells.

The more everyone covers up, the more that advertisements like this are noticed.   Sexual repression in general winds us up like snare drums, and we tend to think about sex much more often.  This of course makes sex, the perfect tool for manipulation.   After all, how many men try to get you women to go to their parties?   After that, how many of you men try to go to the parties where all the women are?     Sex sells.

Anything that is hidden on the opposite gender will be sexualized, and right now, the culture in the United States during this time era makes it everything that is covered by a bikini for a woman.  This makes absolute perfect sense for the vagina, but what about breasts and rump?   Is the skin on a breast any different than the skin on an arm?   Not in the slightest.   Yet we sexualize what is hidden.  We live in a culture that sells our own bodies to us, and then asks us to pay a tax for them.

Interestingly enough, this culture also glorifies the ideal that ugly people should cover up.    Beautiful people should be wearing bikinis.   Have you ever heard the statement that "fat people shouldn't wear spandex."?  This is a commonly held belief that a lot of people share because being large is not considered beautiful as we were raised on the barbie mentality.   All of this focuses on sexualizing the body.   Beautiful people need to hide it unless it's permitted.  Ugly people need to hide it because their bodies tarnish the media and capitalized perpetuation of the sexualized image of the body.

Society dictates that we shouldn't talk about sex or sexuality, and just pretend it doesn't exist.   That way, when they sell or manipulate with sex, it's more effective.  I don't want our bodies being sold.  I don't want my daughters body being sold.   It's disgusting.     Instead we need to learn how to manage our sexuality instead of hiding from it.  This is not advocating immorality, but rather embracing sexuality as a moral aspect of our lives.

Everyone is in charge of their own bodies, and yes, you will be looked at.  But it is you who decides who can touch you, and who can't.   Ladies, please don't be to hard on the guys that look you up and down.   We are sexual beings, and you want a future partner to be sexually attracted to you.   He does have the capacity to be interested in your interests as well, whether it be politics, art, sports, music, or something else.   Just get to know him, and he will get to know you.

I simply ask you to try and be comfortable without worrying whether or not some random guy has rolling eyes.   Those who do will look you up and down no matter what you wear whether it be a bikini or a burka.  If you want to advertise your body around, there's nothing wrong with that either.   Some people just need to feel sexy every now and again.

Oscar Wilde said "Everything in the world is about sex except sex.  Sex is about power."

Let's make a commitment this summer to take back our bodies.  They are ours, and we should feel absolutely no guilt or shame in them.   Nobody has the right to sell our bodies, and then make us feel guilty for having them.

P.S.  You are enough.

Why Being a Member of the LDS Church is like an Abusive Relationship

Abuse comes in many forms, and there are many religions.  I'm going to focus on Psychological Abuse,  and the LDS Church because I was challenged to do so by someone who claimed the above photo is a misrepresentation, and we were talking about the LDS Church at the time.  Simple enough reason; don't you think?

What is Psychological Abuse?   There is no set definition, but Wikipedia defines it as:

Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.^[1][2][3] Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, and abuse in the workplace.^[2][3]

 According to the United States Government, ~ You may feel like if you're not being hurt physically, you are not being abused. But attempts to scare, isolate, or control you also are abuse. They can affect your physical and emotional well-being. And they often are a sign that physical abuse will follow.

You may be experiencing emotional abuse if someone:

• Monitors what you're doing all the time
  

• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time

• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family

• Tries to stop you from going to work or school

• Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you

• Controls how you spend your money

• Humiliates you in front of others

• Threatens to hurt you or people you care about

• Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you

• Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."

• Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat).

Have you been in an Abusive relationship?   Are you in one right now?   If you answered yes to the latter, then please click this link.  It's an outline on how to get help.  If you answered yes to the first one, then many of these behaviors will be familiar to you.   It might be pertinent to note that in all abusive relationships, not every sign above will be prevalent  and there will even be a few others not mentioned.

Story Time:  I myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship about a decade ago.   Going through the list, I was monitored constantly, always accused of being unfaithful, kept away from friends and family via rumors that they hurt her in some way, was always being yelled at for the stupidest things,  she managed all the money,  threw digs into me in front of other people to make me feel like less of a person, threatened to harm herself many times,  and she decided on what I wore, my haircut, what I ate, and various other things that I should have been doing for myself.  

The relationship itself was complete and utter hell.   As you can see, not all attributes were taken up, but many were.   I left that relationship a broken man, and have had to rebuild myself.     End of Story Time.

Examining an abusive partner, we can see some patterns:  Paraphrased, but Source.

• Abuse itself is about control, and emotional abuse is a way for an abusing partner to demand more from a relationship then he/she/they are willing to give.   
• No matter how much the abused gives, it will never be enough.  He/she will try, and try, and try, only to fail every time.   The reason for this is because the relationship is not about love, but control.   
• When an abused partner becomes more independent, the abuser will become more abusive because he/she is losing control.   
• The abused will never be forgiven for the slightest of legitimate mistakes even after the argument has ended and the problem resolved, but the abuser will expect to be forgiven for everything regardless of the infraction.   
• The abuser will constantly expect change from the abused, and no matter how much the abused changes, it will never be enough.   
• This list is by far from complete, but lastly, the abuser will deflect blame to every available source, and for the abuse itself, the blame will go to the abused.    

So let's examine the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in comparison to an Abusive Relationship, Shall We?   A couple of points to note is that the LDS Church is a hive mind with structured programs and LDS Children are conditioned from the time they are Sunbeams.  So a typical Mormon member might not be intending to be abusive while participating the behaviors that are.  I'll just go down the same 2 lists with a comparison.

Starting from the top.


Monitors what you're doing all the time:   The LDS Church itself is a society within society.  The structured programs to monitor the members are Bishop's Interviews, Visiting/Home Teaching (What I like to call 'structured friendship'),  Members Outreach programs to fallen away members, Missionary outreach programs, and the Strengthening Church Membership Committee that monitors what members publicize that's contrary to church teachings.   The SCMC is ran by two apostles.    
Unofficial programs are the rumor mill, church sponsored activities, and unscheduled visits to people who might be falling away.   Love bombing is encouraged too.  

Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time:  As previously stated, members are conditioned from the Sunbeam age, and are encouraged to go to the Bishop for all indiscretions.   Most do this faithfully because that is what should be done so the members put forth the work to be accused based on what they have been taught.  
After that, there is the weekly Sacrament where each member gets to go on a mental mind trip of how imperfect they were the prior week, and compares themselves with Jesus Christ who is perfect.   Any action that goes against church teachings is considered unfaithful.  The word of wisdom gives a special guideline on a lot of activity to be avoided.  Nobody is perfect, and everyone fails time and time again, then are forgiven only to fail again.

Here is one of my favorite Teachings by King Benjamin in Helaman 12:4-8:

 4 O how ^afoolish, and how vain, and how evil, and devilish, and how ^bquick to do ^chearts upon the vain things of the world!
iniquity, and how slow to do good, are the children of men; yea, how quick to hearken unto the words of the evil one, and to set their
 5 Yea, how quick to be lifted up in ^apride; yea, how quick to^bboast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yea, how slow to ^cwalk in wisdom’s paths!
 6 Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath^acreated them, should ^brule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at^cnaught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide.
 7 O how great is the ^anothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are ^bless than the dust of the earth.
 8 For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God.

Notice how the children of men are nothing, and less than the dust of the earth.  Kinda makes ya feel special, don't it?

 Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family: The Mission is when 18-21 year olds go on missions for 2 years for males, and 1 1/2 years for females.  During the mission, a missionary is not allowed contact from friends or family except via snail mail or email.   Important life events such as funerals, weddings, graduations, and so on are also not allowed.  The idea is to give 2 years of your life completely to the Lord, and it also tests how much a person is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the religion.

LDS Members will argue this one to days end, but associating with non-members is advised against however subtle.   When I was 16, I was kicked out my home, and a Baptist Preacher took me in.  He ran the Second Chance Ranch for troubled teens, and had moved to the heart of Mormon Country as a missionary to save the poor lost souls of the Mormons.   His children had the unfortunate experience of growing up in a 98% LDS community where they were ostracized for being non-Mormon.   Stay within the faith is the message that is given.

While that will be argued as conjecture by most active Mormons, Orson Scott Card, one of my favorite authors wrote Saintspeak The Mormon Dictionary which is a humorous list of Mormon Definitions that most Mormons will identify with.  Here are a couple that he has written.  

nonmember Someone who has lived in Salt Lake City for fourteen years and still hasn’t met his neighbors.
non-Mormons People that you’re supposed to convert to the gospel—but in the meantime don’t let their children go out with yours.

It is encouraged to stay within the faith when socializing.   Family is OK, but ex-mormon family members are to be tolerated, but not respected as their opinions on the LDS Church are flawed with unbelief. 

Tries to stop you from going to work or school:  Working on Sunday is a big no-no as keeping the Sabbath day holy is so very important.  Emergency personnel such as medical, fire, and police get a pass.   School itself gets skewed when the ultimate goal of every young LDS person is to go to BYU or one of it's affiliates.  This trumps Ivy league schools, and many have been offered admittance to Harvard or Yale, but turned them down to go to BYU which according to the world is a much less valued school.  

Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you:  This is bureaucratic when it comes to the LDS Church.   Striking out in anger isn't commonly seen, but it happens via large groups when there is a particular threat.  The Bretheren or Men of the LDS Church will take turns keeping an eye on the perceived trouble maker.   However, this is mostly self preservation defense, and is understandable.  When they are wrong, the ostracized pays dearly for something they know nothing of.  
Another way the LDS Church as a whole reacts to witch hunts is insane.  They will pressure members that are acting in a way the LDS Church disapproves of until they are either excommunicated, or just leave of their own free will.   Here is a fine example of this.   

Most punishments are known and enacted with bureaucratic efficiency .   However, the Mormon Church can and will send a tidal wave of destruction when threatened.   They are not always successful though, and when they are, it can cost dearly.  For example, Prop 8 took a lot of time, energy, money, and member support to fight it off, and the backlash they received for it was so painful that the LDS Church mostly stays out of the gay marriage debate with exception to the national level in which they try to remain as anonymous as possible. 

Controls how you spend your money:  Just 10 percent of it, and suggestions on how to spend the rest.  In the early days of the LDS Church, Joe Smith and Sidney Rigdon were putting together the United Order which is where members signed over all of their assets and money to the LDS Church.  Along with Joe trying to get fresh with a 16 year old, that got them Tarred and Feathered by the members of the church.  Still today, Members believe it was because Joe saw God, so an anti-mormon mob tarred and feathered them.   However, today, it's just 10%, and the financial advice given to the members is actually pretty sound.   

Humiliates you in front of others:  This one is a more refined action by the LDS Church in which members humiliate themselves, and act perfect in public.  They humiliate themselves by thinking they are worthless and imperfect as they have been taught, but we've already gone over that.  The LDS Church itself preaches to them that they are imperfect, and needing of constant redemption while at the same time brags about it's members and the fine addition to society they are to the general public. 

Threatens to hurt you or people you care about:  This one is a big one for the LDS Church.  "Families can be together forever." is a song that's sung frequently.  The LDS Church believes in Eternal Family.  However, Families can be together forever, but by no means is that guaranteed.   The LDS Church holds your family hostage against you because if you want to live forever, you have to live the Gospel, and so do they which means you not only have to keep yourself in line, but them too.  
Here is a very good example of this. 

Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you:  "Every time you curse, or masturbate, Jesus feels it on cross, and you're hurting him.  How could you cause him to hurt himself?   You insensitive asshole?"   Oh, the mental mind screw of this one.  

Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can.":  1st commandment.  "Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before ME."   This is above murder, and if he is the one true God, why so insecure?   It's also the first line in the photo above.  

Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat):  The Word of Wisdom the LDS Religion preaches has many things that members shouldn't do.  There is a clear modesty guideline on what to wear, and how to look.  The list goes on and on with what activities are OK, and what isn't OK.  

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That about covers the Psychologically Abusive Actions.   Let's see how the church relates to an abusive partner.

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Abuse itself is about control, and emotional abuse is a way for an abusing partner to demand more from a relationship then he/she/they are willing to give:   The LDS Church has clear guidelines about what they demand from their members.  It's cleverly disguised as suggestions like the Word of Wisdom, or the Honor Code.  Both of which are enforced through loss of privileges  and with the Honor Code, the loss of your education.

No matter how much the abused gives, it will never be enough.  He/she will try, and try, and try, only to fail every time.   The reason for this is because the relationship is not about love, but control:  The older you get as a member of the LDS church, the more rituals you are asked to perform.  It starts with folding your arms in prayer as a 2 year old, then Sacrament, and when you're an adult, a whole bunch of mind numbing temple rituals.   Time is also asked of for service, and it gets piled on more and more as you get older.   They as for more, and more, and more of your commitment, of your standards, of your life, and when you fail a time or two, they'll forgive you, and ask for more.  What do they give for your time, money, and effort.  A community.  Worth it?  Up to you.  

When an abused partner becomes more independent, the abuser will become more abusive because he/she is losing control:   A man by the name of Lyndon Lamborn was excommunicated a while back because he researched the LDS Church history outside of the guidelines set forth by the LDS Church.  Now this is OK so to speak, but he also told people what he found.  That wasn't OK for the church.  So he was excommunicated, and he recorded the proceedings which is an eye opening account of how the LDS church reacts to losing control.  

The abused will never be forgiven for the slightest of legitimate mistakes even after the argument has ended and the problem resolved, but the abuser will expect to be forgiven for everything regardless of the infraction:  This one I'll give to the Mormon Church because they give away guilt so they can sell redemption/forgiveness.  Forgiving people is how they make their money.  

The abuser will constantly expect change from the abused, and no matter how much the abused changes, it will never be enough:   Pretty much the same as the 2nd one, but mostly adherent to the rules.  Since you can't be perfect, you'll never be able to amount to the perfection being asked of you.  But you'll try and try and try and try.  

This list is by far from complete, but lastly, the abuser will deflect blame to every available source, and for the abuse itself, the blame will go to the abused:    The LDS Church is perfect, and infallible, even when it isn't.  When a member acting on church teachings messes up, it's the member, not the LDS Church which is at fault.   When ex-mormons point out the fallacies of the church, then the ex-mormons are to blame for not being faithful enough, or are sinners.    When prophets speak, it's revelation.  Well, unless they are wrong, in which case, they are speaking as fallible men, not the infallible prophet of the LDS Church.    Homosexuals are blamed for attacking the freedom of religion when they are asking to not have to live by the LDS Church's moral guidelines.    So much blame, and it's never the LDS Church.

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Therefore, I must conclude, that on a scale of 1-10, if the LDS Church was being rated for being an abusive partner, it would rank about 50.   
An interesting correlation between Suicide Rates and LDS membership should put a fine cap on it.