Discipline With Love

I'm often confronted by people from both sides of the "Spanking" controversy.  Is Spanking abuse?  It's a good question, and should be pondered.  Another one that should be pondered; Is a Time Out abuse?   Nobody really ever ponders that one because nobody is physically harming the child, so it can't be abuse, right?

The first thing we need to do to answer both questions is take a step back, and examine Discipline.  What is Discipline?   In a perfect world, Discipline is the act we take to ensure our children know that what they did is wrong, and never do it again.  Sadly, some take it to mean that we must hurt our children so they know what's what.   Does Discipline even need to be painful?   The only thing Discipline needs to accomplish is to eradicate that behavior and/or action from occurring again.

When do we cross the line from Discipline to Abuse?  There are two ways, and this is a very easy line to cross, so it's best to be prepared.  If you punish a child for doing something, and they keep doing it, than your punishment is not working.  If you keep using the same punishment, and your child continues to break the same rule, than you have crossed the line to abuse.  It doesn't matter if it's a time out, a spanking, a thumping, yelling, berating, or whatever punishment you think is the best form of punishment.  If it's not working, and you keep doing it, than it is not discipline, but abuse.

To put it a different way with language we commonly use to describe abuse.  If you smack your kid to teach him/her a lesson, and they don't learn, than all you are doing is smacking your kid around.

The second way to cross the line is to simply react out of anger.  Striking in anger is not discipline, but just an action that makes the parent feel better.  An eye for an eye.  The child has learned no lesson other than to not make a parent angry.  The difference is that not making a parent angry is by no means synonymous with not doing the act that made them angry.   All they have to do is try better at hiding it.

So what is the best way to discipline?   Everyone is different, and because you're a parent, you have to figure that out for each child.   One way that works perfectly for one child, probably isn't going to work for another.   I can however suggest a few guidelines to follow.

1.  Never strike in anger.  If you're angry, please tell your child to hold on, and go grab a breather first.   Both you, and the child need to be thinking clearly if this is going to work.

2.  Don't be lazy.   Discipline is hard work, and you have to do it right if you don't want to screw up your kids.

3.  Get to know your children as the people that they are.  Then act accordingly to each "Person's" reception.

What do we want when we discipline.  There are two parties here, and both must benefit.  We obviously want to teach a lesson, and we want that lesson learned.   If one form of discipline does not work, than don't do that again.   Try something else.  Escalate if you need to.

Spanking, and Time Outs are both worthless.   If a child is two or three, than you can get away with a small swat to get their attention.  Compared to them, you have the strength of a dragon on steroids, so just a light jerk will work.   It shouldn't take long for them to understand when they need to pay attention to you as a parent, and then no more swats are needed.   Spanking and Time Outs are Lazy.  They are what you can do to just take care of business, and get back to doing whatever it was that you were doing.  Then your child can go cry somewhere else, and leave you in peace.   Neither work, and granted, I'm basing this off never seeing either work.  I've never seen it happen.

My daughter is 12, and I inflict the worst possible punishment you can imagine.  I talk to her.   I've been doing it since she was 5 years old, and it's never failed me.  I know this won't work with some, but I'll share my method.  When she's acting out, openly defiant, or being unruly, she sits on my lap, and gets to explain why she did what she did.   I get to explain why it's wrong.  Then we get to talk about it a little more with some dialogue.  I then give her the expectations that I want her to live up to, and she sets goals to make that happen.

The last time she sat on my lap was when she was 9.   I'm by no means a dictator, but when I speak as a parent, she listens.  She's never repeated any behavior that she's sat on my lap for, but boy did she ever fight against that form of discipline.  She begged me to do what her Mom does, and put her in Time Out.  That didn't work, so she begged me to spank instead.  She would actually rather get hit than sit on my lap.   Why?   Because it's awkward, and painful to admit your faults.   She usually doesn't have a good reason for doing something worthy of a sitting on my lap.   Time outs are easy for both the child and the parent, but they are mentally damaging to a child.  Spankings are over quickly, and that's their appeal.  A quick show of force to show who the bigger human is.   Neither spanking nor timeouts teach a child to take ownership of their actions, and it probably won't instill the idea that what they did was wrong.  It will however most certainly instill the idea that getting caught is bad.   But taking the time and effort to solve the problem right is much more time consuming, and takes patience.   However, just like most things, if you do the job right the first time, you won't have to do it again for a long time if ever.  

Now remember, just because I gave you the secret to my disciplinary techniques does not mean they will work with your kid.  You have to get to know them, and discipline accordingly.  I can however guarantee that if you discipline with love, and understanding, than you will be successful.   Your bond will grow, and your child will be more well rounded.    You just have to find the right balance.

The Bikini Question Answered

Rey Swimwear

Rachel Clark wrote this article which I thought I'd throw my perspective on.  Also a shout out to Rey Swimwear for pilfering their photo off of Rachel's article (It is after all a response article).   They have some nice modest swim suits too.

Summer is here, and water is a great way to cool off.   Pretty fun too.  All some people see are bikinis, but truth be known, most women don't wear them.  I believe you can trust me on this as I am a man, and I notice bikinis.  I believe this can be attributed to a bunch of factors, and I'm just spouting off a few guesses here  (As I'm not female).  First and foremost, I believe that most women are conscientious of their bodies, and therefore stride to hide them.   This saddens me a bit because we live in a culture that glorifies the Barbie Model as the way a woman should look.   Men believe it, women believe it, and we start our little girls off believing it when we buy them their first barbie.   Beauty is first and foremost.  Just look at the model above sporting that mascara.   She's truly beautiful, but who wears mascara to go swimming?   It's our culture, and it's fortified every day and night via entertainment, gender roles, advertising everywhere, and my personal favorite; where we break the ice with little girls by telling them how cute they are.  

One might notice that Rachel made it a point to declare that she isn't shying away from bikinis due to insecurity.   I believe her.  Another reason is Modesty which is the topic I've come to weigh in on.   Modesty is an interesting phenomenon brought about by the notion that hiding sexuality somehow does everyone a service.   Religions preach it constantly, and at work, sex or sexuality is a taboo discussion point that's to be avoided.   We're very careful about what is and is not appropriate for children, and sex ed is constantly being debated.   There is a sub-sect of society that wants to hide sex and sexuality at all costs, and pretend it doesn't exist.   Oh, Modesty...

The other day, I was walking to the store with my 11 year old daughter, and it was almost 100 degrees.  She's a big one on modesty, and even covers my eyes when walking by the magazine rack so I don't see the models in bikinis on the cover.   The walk wasn't far, maybe 1/4 of a mile, but long enough that she was pretty uncomfortable in her long shirt/short dress with leggings and an undershirt to boot.   Yep, she was clad to high heaven, and on the way back, she was so miserable that she mentioned it several times.   Poor Girl.   She cooled off at home, and changed her clothes to something more comfortable, yet still modest.  She's a good girl that was sacrificing her personal comfortablity for modesty.

But what is the Sacrifice for?   'Because how we dress affects those around us.'  This is most assuredly true.  But how does it affect.  Proponents of modest clothes would have us believe that men are subversively affected, and will sin inside their own minds because they see a woman in a bikini.   What is the role of men here?  Are we to control ourselves?  Of course we can control ourselves.  We have to, otherwise it's sexual harassment at every turn.   So is it a woman's job to help us control ourselves?   The answer to that is no.  Not at all.   Some men are gentlemen, and some aren't.  Whether you're wearing a bikini or a burka, a man who's going to sexually objectify you is going to sexually objectify you.  A man that's not is also not going to, regardless of what you wear.

So am I advocating for you all to wear less clothes so that I can see every curve?   Not at all, even if I don't mind in the least.   Instead, I think I'll try and paint a clear picture of exactly the affect that modesty in general has on those who practice, and society in general.   My hope is that you'll wear what you're comfortable wearing.

Women, do you want a man who notices your smile, or God loving personality, rather than your chest or thighs?    Of course you do.  You want to be known for you, right?    The flaw in the logic is to exclude sexuality all together.  We're sexual beings, and sexuality is a very important part of any relationship.   I pity those who are in a relationship with absolutely no sexual attraction to their spouse.  Oh the turmoil of the dead bed.    Truth be known, I'm a hair and eyes guy, and both are accentuated by a nice smile.  That's a truly beautiful picturesque scene right there when in the right light.   Interestingly enough though, this scene is still objectifying the body.     As for God..  If you love God, and a guy loves God, then you're both on the right track of making a God loving family full of God loving children.     So why can't your hopes and dreams be complete while including sexuality?   I assure you, they most certainly can.

Now, while women who have modesty bored into them may feel guilty for "causing" men to sin, what's it like for men?   Men growing up in the same type of atmosphere are taught that their bodily functions are sins, and feel ever so guilty when a sexual reaction happens.   They deal with it in different ways, and this is just embarrassing, but here we go.   Some will completely blame women, and try to get them to be modest because women are giving them unclean sinful thoughts.   Others will avoid women because the evil temptresses give them unclean sinful thoughts.   The best type of man in this situation we can hope for will pretend that nothing at all is happening.  

The sad part is each of these three types of men are going through their own personal hell.   The first is a misogynistic asshole that is very controlling towards women, blames women for their own personal faults, and ultimately is just a little boy that wants a doting mother in the women he dates and/or marries.   He will never have an equal relationship with a woman, nor will he ever know real love.   Even if he beats a woman down to complete servitude.   The second type avoids women, and will become the creep that women get scared of as he observes from afar.   He's probably a nice guy, but just comes off as creepy when gets close and his eyes wander.    A very lonely man this one is.  The last type is one that's never honest about everything.   Women go for him more often because the front is quite appealing.   Since he's never honest, and upfront, problems are created due to hiding various things.    Yes, we men suffer from the modesty indoctrination too.

But where is all this coming from?   The campaign for modesty, or to completely hide from sexuality as if it doesn't exist.   What is this campaign doing anyway?  What's it for?   Long story short.  Sex sells.   That's it right there.  Sex sells.   Sex is a commodity, and it's extremely valuable.  The value is derived by everyone on the planet being sexual beings.  (Minus 2 or 3 of course.)    Since sex is a product that is sold, if you implement the laws of supply and demand, the supply must be controlled to keep up the demand which keeps the value up.    It is for this reason alone that modesty and abstinence are preached so heavily.  

The best example of this that I know of is City Creek Center, a mall built by the Mormon Church for a few billion dollars.  The Mormon Church, otherwise known as the LDS Church is pretty well known for it's stance on modesty.  This mall is quite literally the Mormon Mall since they spent most of the money building it.   To the right is an advertisement for City Creek Center in which the Modesty Clause is simply being overlooked.   Why?  Because sex sells.

The more everyone covers up, the more that advertisements like this are noticed.   Sexual repression in general winds us up like snare drums, and we tend to think about sex much more often.  This of course makes sex, the perfect tool for manipulation.   After all, how many men try to get you women to go to their parties?   After that, how many of you men try to go to the parties where all the women are?     Sex sells.

Anything that is hidden on the opposite gender will be sexualized, and right now, the culture in the United States during this time era makes it everything that is covered by a bikini for a woman.  This makes absolute perfect sense for the vagina, but what about breasts and rump?   Is the skin on a breast any different than the skin on an arm?   Not in the slightest.   Yet we sexualize what is hidden.  We live in a culture that sells our own bodies to us, and then asks us to pay a tax for them.

Interestingly enough, this culture also glorifies the ideal that ugly people should cover up.    Beautiful people should be wearing bikinis.   Have you ever heard the statement that "fat people shouldn't wear spandex."?  This is a commonly held belief that a lot of people share because being large is not considered beautiful as we were raised on the barbie mentality.   All of this focuses on sexualizing the body.   Beautiful people need to hide it unless it's permitted.  Ugly people need to hide it because their bodies tarnish the media and capitalized perpetuation of the sexualized image of the body.

Society dictates that we shouldn't talk about sex or sexuality, and just pretend it doesn't exist.   That way, when they sell or manipulate with sex, it's more effective.  I don't want our bodies being sold.  I don't want my daughters body being sold.   It's disgusting.     Instead we need to learn how to manage our sexuality instead of hiding from it.  This is not advocating immorality, but rather embracing sexuality as a moral aspect of our lives.

Everyone is in charge of their own bodies, and yes, you will be looked at.  But it is you who decides who can touch you, and who can't.   Ladies, please don't be to hard on the guys that look you up and down.   We are sexual beings, and you want a future partner to be sexually attracted to you.   He does have the capacity to be interested in your interests as well, whether it be politics, art, sports, music, or something else.   Just get to know him, and he will get to know you.

I simply ask you to try and be comfortable without worrying whether or not some random guy has rolling eyes.   Those who do will look you up and down no matter what you wear whether it be a bikini or a burka.  If you want to advertise your body around, there's nothing wrong with that either.   Some people just need to feel sexy every now and again.

Oscar Wilde said "Everything in the world is about sex except sex.  Sex is about power."

Let's make a commitment this summer to take back our bodies.  They are ours, and we should feel absolutely no guilt or shame in them.   Nobody has the right to sell our bodies, and then make us feel guilty for having them.

P.S.  You are enough.

Why Being a Member of the LDS Church is like an Abusive Relationship

Abuse comes in many forms, and there are many religions.  I'm going to focus on Psychological Abuse,  and the LDS Church because I was challenged to do so by someone who claimed the above photo is a misrepresentation, and we were talking about the LDS Church at the time.  Simple enough reason; don't you think?

What is Psychological Abuse?   There is no set definition, but Wikipedia defines it as:

Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.^[1][2][3] Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, and abuse in the workplace.^[2][3]

 According to the United States Government, ~ You may feel like if you're not being hurt physically, you are not being abused. But attempts to scare, isolate, or control you also are abuse. They can affect your physical and emotional well-being. And they often are a sign that physical abuse will follow.

You may be experiencing emotional abuse if someone:

• Monitors what you're doing all the time
  

• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time

• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family

• Tries to stop you from going to work or school

• Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you

• Controls how you spend your money

• Humiliates you in front of others

• Threatens to hurt you or people you care about

• Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you

• Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."

• Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat).

Have you been in an Abusive relationship?   Are you in one right now?   If you answered yes to the latter, then please click this link.  It's an outline on how to get help.  If you answered yes to the first one, then many of these behaviors will be familiar to you.   It might be pertinent to note that in all abusive relationships, not every sign above will be prevalent  and there will even be a few others not mentioned.

Story Time:  I myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship about a decade ago.   Going through the list, I was monitored constantly, always accused of being unfaithful, kept away from friends and family via rumors that they hurt her in some way, was always being yelled at for the stupidest things,  she managed all the money,  threw digs into me in front of other people to make me feel like less of a person, threatened to harm herself many times,  and she decided on what I wore, my haircut, what I ate, and various other things that I should have been doing for myself.  

The relationship itself was complete and utter hell.   As you can see, not all attributes were taken up, but many were.   I left that relationship a broken man, and have had to rebuild myself.     End of Story Time.

Examining an abusive partner, we can see some patterns:  Paraphrased, but Source.

• Abuse itself is about control, and emotional abuse is a way for an abusing partner to demand more from a relationship then he/she/they are willing to give.   
• No matter how much the abused gives, it will never be enough.  He/she will try, and try, and try, only to fail every time.   The reason for this is because the relationship is not about love, but control.   
• When an abused partner becomes more independent, the abuser will become more abusive because he/she is losing control.   
• The abused will never be forgiven for the slightest of legitimate mistakes even after the argument has ended and the problem resolved, but the abuser will expect to be forgiven for everything regardless of the infraction.   
• The abuser will constantly expect change from the abused, and no matter how much the abused changes, it will never be enough.   
• This list is by far from complete, but lastly, the abuser will deflect blame to every available source, and for the abuse itself, the blame will go to the abused.    

So let's examine the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in comparison to an Abusive Relationship, Shall We?   A couple of points to note is that the LDS Church is a hive mind with structured programs and LDS Children are conditioned from the time they are Sunbeams.  So a typical Mormon member might not be intending to be abusive while participating the behaviors that are.  I'll just go down the same 2 lists with a comparison.

Starting from the top.


Monitors what you're doing all the time:   The LDS Church itself is a society within society.  The structured programs to monitor the members are Bishop's Interviews, Visiting/Home Teaching (What I like to call 'structured friendship'),  Members Outreach programs to fallen away members, Missionary outreach programs, and the Strengthening Church Membership Committee that monitors what members publicize that's contrary to church teachings.   The SCMC is ran by two apostles.    
Unofficial programs are the rumor mill, church sponsored activities, and unscheduled visits to people who might be falling away.   Love bombing is encouraged too.  

Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time:  As previously stated, members are conditioned from the Sunbeam age, and are encouraged to go to the Bishop for all indiscretions.   Most do this faithfully because that is what should be done so the members put forth the work to be accused based on what they have been taught.  
After that, there is the weekly Sacrament where each member gets to go on a mental mind trip of how imperfect they were the prior week, and compares themselves with Jesus Christ who is perfect.   Any action that goes against church teachings is considered unfaithful.  The word of wisdom gives a special guideline on a lot of activity to be avoided.  Nobody is perfect, and everyone fails time and time again, then are forgiven only to fail again.

Here is one of my favorite Teachings by King Benjamin in Helaman 12:4-8:

 4 O how ^afoolish, and how vain, and how evil, and devilish, and how ^bquick to do ^chearts upon the vain things of the world!
iniquity, and how slow to do good, are the children of men; yea, how quick to hearken unto the words of the evil one, and to set their
 5 Yea, how quick to be lifted up in ^apride; yea, how quick to^bboast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yea, how slow to ^cwalk in wisdom’s paths!
 6 Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath^acreated them, should ^brule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at^cnaught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide.
 7 O how great is the ^anothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are ^bless than the dust of the earth.
 8 For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God.

Notice how the children of men are nothing, and less than the dust of the earth.  Kinda makes ya feel special, don't it?

 Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family: The Mission is when 18-21 year olds go on missions for 2 years for males, and 1 1/2 years for females.  During the mission, a missionary is not allowed contact from friends or family except via snail mail or email.   Important life events such as funerals, weddings, graduations, and so on are also not allowed.  The idea is to give 2 years of your life completely to the Lord, and it also tests how much a person is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the religion.

LDS Members will argue this one to days end, but associating with non-members is advised against however subtle.   When I was 16, I was kicked out my home, and a Baptist Preacher took me in.  He ran the Second Chance Ranch for troubled teens, and had moved to the heart of Mormon Country as a missionary to save the poor lost souls of the Mormons.   His children had the unfortunate experience of growing up in a 98% LDS community where they were ostracized for being non-Mormon.   Stay within the faith is the message that is given.

While that will be argued as conjecture by most active Mormons, Orson Scott Card, one of my favorite authors wrote Saintspeak The Mormon Dictionary which is a humorous list of Mormon Definitions that most Mormons will identify with.  Here are a couple that he has written.  

nonmember Someone who has lived in Salt Lake City for fourteen years and still hasn’t met his neighbors.
non-Mormons People that you’re supposed to convert to the gospel—but in the meantime don’t let their children go out with yours.

It is encouraged to stay within the faith when socializing.   Family is OK, but ex-mormon family members are to be tolerated, but not respected as their opinions on the LDS Church are flawed with unbelief. 

Tries to stop you from going to work or school:  Working on Sunday is a big no-no as keeping the Sabbath day holy is so very important.  Emergency personnel such as medical, fire, and police get a pass.   School itself gets skewed when the ultimate goal of every young LDS person is to go to BYU or one of it's affiliates.  This trumps Ivy league schools, and many have been offered admittance to Harvard or Yale, but turned them down to go to BYU which according to the world is a much less valued school.  

Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you:  This is bureaucratic when it comes to the LDS Church.   Striking out in anger isn't commonly seen, but it happens via large groups when there is a particular threat.  The Bretheren or Men of the LDS Church will take turns keeping an eye on the perceived trouble maker.   However, this is mostly self preservation defense, and is understandable.  When they are wrong, the ostracized pays dearly for something they know nothing of.  
Another way the LDS Church as a whole reacts to witch hunts is insane.  They will pressure members that are acting in a way the LDS Church disapproves of until they are either excommunicated, or just leave of their own free will.   Here is a fine example of this.   

Most punishments are known and enacted with bureaucratic efficiency .   However, the Mormon Church can and will send a tidal wave of destruction when threatened.   They are not always successful though, and when they are, it can cost dearly.  For example, Prop 8 took a lot of time, energy, money, and member support to fight it off, and the backlash they received for it was so painful that the LDS Church mostly stays out of the gay marriage debate with exception to the national level in which they try to remain as anonymous as possible. 

Controls how you spend your money:  Just 10 percent of it, and suggestions on how to spend the rest.  In the early days of the LDS Church, Joe Smith and Sidney Rigdon were putting together the United Order which is where members signed over all of their assets and money to the LDS Church.  Along with Joe trying to get fresh with a 16 year old, that got them Tarred and Feathered by the members of the church.  Still today, Members believe it was because Joe saw God, so an anti-mormon mob tarred and feathered them.   However, today, it's just 10%, and the financial advice given to the members is actually pretty sound.   

Humiliates you in front of others:  This one is a more refined action by the LDS Church in which members humiliate themselves, and act perfect in public.  They humiliate themselves by thinking they are worthless and imperfect as they have been taught, but we've already gone over that.  The LDS Church itself preaches to them that they are imperfect, and needing of constant redemption while at the same time brags about it's members and the fine addition to society they are to the general public. 

Threatens to hurt you or people you care about:  This one is a big one for the LDS Church.  "Families can be together forever." is a song that's sung frequently.  The LDS Church believes in Eternal Family.  However, Families can be together forever, but by no means is that guaranteed.   The LDS Church holds your family hostage against you because if you want to live forever, you have to live the Gospel, and so do they which means you not only have to keep yourself in line, but them too.  
Here is a very good example of this. 

Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you:  "Every time you curse, or masturbate, Jesus feels it on cross, and you're hurting him.  How could you cause him to hurt himself?   You insensitive asshole?"   Oh, the mental mind screw of this one.  

Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can.":  1st commandment.  "Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before ME."   This is above murder, and if he is the one true God, why so insecure?   It's also the first line in the photo above.  

Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat):  The Word of Wisdom the LDS Religion preaches has many things that members shouldn't do.  There is a clear modesty guideline on what to wear, and how to look.  The list goes on and on with what activities are OK, and what isn't OK.  

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That about covers the Psychologically Abusive Actions.   Let's see how the church relates to an abusive partner.

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Abuse itself is about control, and emotional abuse is a way for an abusing partner to demand more from a relationship then he/she/they are willing to give:   The LDS Church has clear guidelines about what they demand from their members.  It's cleverly disguised as suggestions like the Word of Wisdom, or the Honor Code.  Both of which are enforced through loss of privileges  and with the Honor Code, the loss of your education.

No matter how much the abused gives, it will never be enough.  He/she will try, and try, and try, only to fail every time.   The reason for this is because the relationship is not about love, but control:  The older you get as a member of the LDS church, the more rituals you are asked to perform.  It starts with folding your arms in prayer as a 2 year old, then Sacrament, and when you're an adult, a whole bunch of mind numbing temple rituals.   Time is also asked of for service, and it gets piled on more and more as you get older.   They as for more, and more, and more of your commitment, of your standards, of your life, and when you fail a time or two, they'll forgive you, and ask for more.  What do they give for your time, money, and effort.  A community.  Worth it?  Up to you.  

When an abused partner becomes more independent, the abuser will become more abusive because he/she is losing control:   A man by the name of Lyndon Lamborn was excommunicated a while back because he researched the LDS Church history outside of the guidelines set forth by the LDS Church.  Now this is OK so to speak, but he also told people what he found.  That wasn't OK for the church.  So he was excommunicated, and he recorded the proceedings which is an eye opening account of how the LDS church reacts to losing control.  

The abused will never be forgiven for the slightest of legitimate mistakes even after the argument has ended and the problem resolved, but the abuser will expect to be forgiven for everything regardless of the infraction:  This one I'll give to the Mormon Church because they give away guilt so they can sell redemption/forgiveness.  Forgiving people is how they make their money.  

The abuser will constantly expect change from the abused, and no matter how much the abused changes, it will never be enough:   Pretty much the same as the 2nd one, but mostly adherent to the rules.  Since you can't be perfect, you'll never be able to amount to the perfection being asked of you.  But you'll try and try and try and try.  

This list is by far from complete, but lastly, the abuser will deflect blame to every available source, and for the abuse itself, the blame will go to the abused:    The LDS Church is perfect, and infallible, even when it isn't.  When a member acting on church teachings messes up, it's the member, not the LDS Church which is at fault.   When ex-mormons point out the fallacies of the church, then the ex-mormons are to blame for not being faithful enough, or are sinners.    When prophets speak, it's revelation.  Well, unless they are wrong, in which case, they are speaking as fallible men, not the infallible prophet of the LDS Church.    Homosexuals are blamed for attacking the freedom of religion when they are asking to not have to live by the LDS Church's moral guidelines.    So much blame, and it's never the LDS Church.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Therefore, I must conclude, that on a scale of 1-10, if the LDS Church was being rated for being an abusive partner, it would rank about 50.   
An interesting correlation between Suicide Rates and LDS membership should put a fine cap on it.

OK, Everybody's Doing It. Let's Politicize on the Sandy Hook Shooting.

Politicizing

All the politicizing on Sandy Hook has brought this post into being.  Pro-Gun, Anti-Gun, or are you aware that the issue is limited Assault Rifles, and Magazine Clips?   Whatever your stance, I won't even touch on the gun legislation.  Today, the 2nd amendment is not my agenda, and this is going to be a bi-partisan presentation of the Sandy Hook shooting, and what we need to do as a society to prevent these atrocities from occurring again.   What I'm going to say is going to be painful, and may make you angry.   However, it needs to be said, because nobody else seems to be saying it.

I would like to offer my condolences to the victims, and the victims' families for their losses.  To anyone who has lost family members to senseless violence:  Your approval of this message is not required, but I sincerely hope to achieve it.   My intent here is to offer up an explanation on why these shootings happen, and a solution on how we as a society can prevent them from happening in the future.   Warning:  I am blunt, honest, and cynical.   After all the beating around the bush, politicization, and homage, I believe candor does the dead respect.   Well, let's get to it, shall we?

To those who would use the deaths of dead kids to push their own political agenda.  I mean this in the most repulsively disgustedly sincere sense when I say, Fuck You, and please don't breed.

To those who want answers; let's find them shall we?   The first thing we need to do is clear our minds of the debate with regards to gun rights.   It doesn't matter what side you take on the issue, let's just set it aside for the moment, and focus strictly on the violence.

Senseless Violence, or is it Senseless?

Here is a map of the worst mass shootings of the past 50 years.  You might notice a trend here, and I must ask.  Why do you think that the US has the most, then Europe?   What makes us different?  Do we not have magical societies with almost every modern convenience known to man?   What is it about our societies here in the US, and Europe where murdering sociopaths go on a rampage every now and again?  

Since I'm a Murican, I'm going to focus strictly on the US.  We could say that Devil Reincarnates are born every now and again, but why mostly in the USA?   Shouldn't Brazil have a few?  You know, for balance?


Let's throw some blame around shall we?   Obviously, starting with the shooter is the first place to lay blame.  He killed them, and he should pay, but he killed himself.  Where's the justice?   Well, since he's not around, let's blame the guns.   Let's blame Right/Left political movements, because they created him.  (The opposite of what you are is who's responsible.)   Let's blame the gays, because homosexuality caused a volcano to erupt in the bible, so obviously it's responsible for this.   I reference the respectable Rev Phelps.  Let's blame anything that we can which will allow us to direct our hurt and loss in the form of anger at something, anything.  

Alright, I can be serious.  Let's place blame.  Let's blame ourselves, and the society that we have created, and continue to support.    We are responsible, and I shall explain how.   Of course the shooter pulled the trigger, and he paid for his crime with his life.   This does not absolve him of the responsibility he has for the act that he committed.   Yet, we created him, and we will continue to create more delusional shooters.  We will continue to create more sane shooters that have a definitive goal.   The aftermath of Sandy Hook brought about a great many murders and murder/suicides.   They weren't publicized nearly as well as Sandy Hook for the specific reason to minimize casualties.   Other people wanted their infamous way out of this world, and the Sandy Hook Shooter gave them the encouragement they needed to pull it off.   So much senseless death, and we're responsible.  How?

In our society, we have devalued life to the point where we throw people away.  Every person has a dollar value attached to them, and we squeeze as much out of everyone as we can while paying them as little as possible. Payment includes, but is not limited to, Dollars/Paychecks, Gratitude, Acknowledgement, and just general human decency.  Berating and dehumanizing a man, and tell him he does shit work, and he will work harder and harder only to be berated more.  Meanwhile he burns out, but that's OK because his proficiency was up 10%.    Then we adopt this attitude that we have to be stone cold around people we don't know.  Our cold businesslike society is prevalent in everything, and our actions reflect that.   Just walking through a department store, we try not to make eye contact, or acknowledge that other people exist.

We created this heartless society.  Poor people are attacked for being poor as if their life takes away from ours.   We have a buy low, sell high capitalistic society where it's good business to take people for everything we can.   We have a general distrust of our fellow human being, and are skeptical to make and trust new friends.  (Despite the fact that most people are inherently good.)   We don't share information freely because information is power, and that gives us the edge.   Life is a rat race, and may the fastest, or most ruthless win.    This is the society we live in, and the society we promote.   Is it any wonder that some people snap, and go on a shooting rampage?   Have you ever snapped after holding something in for a long time.  Not a shooting of course, but yelled at someone up and down for something not nearly as significant as your reaction?   But if you add the amount of times the person you blew up at has done what caused you to blow up, it might even out.  A small dig here, someone set you up to fail there, no raises this year due to cut backs, and so on.

For the past several years, the LGBT Community has pushed hard for anti-bullying legislation, and urged schools to take a stronger stance on bullying.  Why?  A bully takes something irreplaceable from their victim.  They take their humanity.   A bullied person struggles every day to find the courage to face life, and instead of enjoying the sun on their face, or hitting on their crush, a bullied person is afraid to walk around each corner.   Afraid to speak.  Afraid.     For LGBT kids, this makes the suicide rate skyrocket.  Especially when dealing this vile hatred.   Gay kids aren't the only ones bullied though.  The shooters at columbine were horribly bullied for many years.   This would be a good time to blame the bullies for being assholes, wouldn't it?  But I won't.

There has been some good strides made concerning bullies, but not that many.   Schools like bullies.  Society likes bullies.   They don't like the drug using, broken home, going nowhere in life bully, and will punish that kid until he snaps himself.   But we love the jock bully who's going somewhere in life, and will protect him over the victim.   Recently, concerning the Steubenville Rape trials, the media reported heavily how sad it was that two promising young men have had their careers and lives destroyed.   Ummm?  Any mention of, I don't know, the fact that they RAPED someone?   Distributed Child Pornography?   No concern for the victims, but remorse for what the attackers lost.    We as a society support and foster bullies.  The reason being is because bullies make Great businessmen.  Especially the ones that are part of a "team", and are only disturbingly cruel to those who aren't part of the "team".    When a bully grows up, they will callously crush the competition, and leave a trail of destruction as they get to the top.  Once on top, they make money, and lots of it.   They know how to feign following rules, and take on life with a sociopaths lack of integrity.   Then, after customers are taken advantage of, livelihoods lost, and profits are up, we give these guys awards.   When confronted about their unscrupulous business dealings, the socially acceptable answer is "It's just business."

How hard is it to believe that our cold way of life brings about individuals who have been beaten, torn down, ignored, discarded, thrown away, and then laughed at for their misfortune?   How many struggling people have been accused of being a drain on society because they can't find a job?    How many parents are disgusted, and ashamed of their children, then constantly remind them?    How many people go to work day in, and day out to a thankless job where they suffer emotional abuse to keep them satisfied with low wages, and tough work days?    How many people are suffering right now from loneliness because it's hard for them to make friends?    How many people are being abused, and don't even know it because socially, we promote that type of behavior?    How many people do we socially punish for not "fitting in", or being a "team player"?    How many people are going hungry tonight?  How many children?

Is it any wonder why a very small percentage of these people snap, and take lives?   What brings a person to the point to where they feel so worthless, and hate the world so badly, that he/she would kill innocent children, or even anonymous strangers just because it is within their capacity?

What we have to do to change this, and minimize mass shootings. 

If we do not want more loss of life, we need to bring back our humanity.   We need to care for strangers, meet our neighbors, deal honestly and fairly, promote love and acceptance, learn to compromise in our dealings and debates, and put others before ourselves.    And this goes against everything we've been taught which is survival of the fittest, and life is a competition.  Win, Win, Win, we are taught, and we go forth, and give it our all.    Do whatever it takes!  "Whatever" it takes!

This is no easy task, and any powerful person would fight an endeavor to bring back our humanity.  They'll place blame, and try to take the guns.  They'll place blame, and claim we need the guns to protect ourselves. They'll place blame on everything except this Utopian Society we live in, because it's PERFECT, and Glorious.  They will want to keep us wound up tighter than snare drums because we are profitable that way. They want us as a society, and as individuals to be drowning in debt, and suffering with untold agony over how we are going to make next month's rent.   Why?  Because we're earning for money, and that's what it's all about folks.  Money.    Collateral damage be damned!   What's a few dead kids every now and again when beach houses are a plenty?   Money, and Power.  

That is the society we live in, and we can change it.  Changing it will take a lot more work than just passing a law, or getting angry at something.   We have wars to end, hunger to end, hatred to end, legal extortion to end, and the list goes on.   There are so many societies that love their fellow man, who don't go on mass shootings.  Their lives are hard if not harder than ours, but at least they have love for their neighbors.   We don't promote love for our neighbors.   But we can.

We are responsible for the shootings at Sandy Hook.   Our selfish society is responsible for the shootings at Sandy Hook.   Those dead kids are on us.  So are all the other mass shootings in our history.   So are the suicides, and broken families which came about by greed.    We are responsible for the child down the street who is going hungry tonight.

Until we realize that, we can't change anything.  Once we know the cause, then we can change ourselves to promote a better society.

I propose we start changing our society with a simple endeavor.  Let's change the way we ignore everyone, and not make eye contact.  Instead, I propose we work on making eye contact, and giving a smile with a greeting.   After all, that takes just as much effort as avoiding eye contact, and pretending that person is not there.   Who's with me?   It's a simple endeavor to change ourselves, and our society.  Just a simple acknowledgement of existence with a smile and hello.

Let's change our society one smile at a time.

"I Have a Dream" Martin Luther King Jr.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.


Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.



But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.



In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.



It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.





It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.



But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.



We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.



As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.



I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.



Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.



I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.



I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."



I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.



I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.



I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.



I have a dream today.



I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.



I have a dream today.



I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.



This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.



This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."



And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!



Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!



Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!



But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!



Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!



Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.



And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Why You Can't Take Everything You Read on the Interwebs at Face Value

       There are Magicians in all forms of life that will try to convince you of something that isn't true, or change the way you look at things for their gain.  This does not mean everyone lies, just that there are lies, and it's up to you to protect yourself.  Let's create one, shall we?

We all know "No Hope For The Human Race", and if you don't, then you might want to take a gander at their Facebook Page because it's hilarious!  This is a status message they shared yesterday, and at first glance you might not even think this is real.  How could you?  There are no faces, names, or even the number of comments.  Yes, I'm protecting the anonymity of strangers.  Well, if you questioned, you're coming along. Let's mess with this status update, and completely turn it into something else.  

    

      Just like the names and pictures, everything can be changed on this status message, and this isn't photoshop.  I personally like to use Google Chrome, and it's what I'll be using, so fire up the Chrome, and let's get started.  Or you can just enjoy the show if you like.  The first thing to note is that you're going to be editing a live web page so patience and care are key.  It's only cosmetic, but if you click on a link the site will go there, and you will lose everything.  

      This works with any page on the internet, and if you right click on something, then go to the bottom, and pick Inspect Element, a Developers bar will show up at the bottom with the exact line of code highlighted for the item you clicked on.  Now let's change the status to, let's see, a line from "Sound of Music".  That should make NHFTHR happy.  (In this line, you just have to double click between the span tags to get to the status)

      Here we are with NHFTHR quoting "The Sound of Music" which I very highly doubt they've ever done before.  

      Next, Let's use those comments to get a fictitious celebrity debate going.   And voila!   A piece of fiction that can pass for a real status and comment.  It is after all a screen shot, and uploaded with windows paint.  There are no watermarks of an Facebook status app generator.   It's a real as your own Facebook page.   

        

       None of these celebrities said any of this.  Neither did Derp or the Rev.   Yet, I could say they did.  Anyone can create anything digitally online, and make it look legit.  It happens in real life too.  So how do you protect yourself without turning into a cynic or a skeptic (Not that those are necessarily bad, but daunting.)  

       If anyone is trying to change your view of things, or to get you to do something; just ask yourself who it benefits.  Most things are OK, but if you question legitimacy, then never be afraid to ask for a source.  Never be afraid to look up a source to make sure it's accurate.   Especially if it fits your view, and you find it comfortable, because then you could be unwittingly spreading lies.   Be aware that it's not always upfront.  People could have a conversation around you, but not be talking to you directly.  It sounds like a light hearted conversation to passerby's, but clearly intended to change your frame of mind.  So back to the beginning; who does it benefit if you change your view?   

      It becomes increasingly difficult these days because there are parody and satirical websites that look real.  A whole bunch of fake things.  Rhetoric designed to inflame or blow out of proportion a certain issue or mindset.   

      And now that I have taught you how to create false things that look real, what are you going to do?   Will you send your crush a facebook message from her boyfriend about how he's looking to hook up with someone else?   Will you send a screenshot to set someone up to lose a court case?   Cyberbulling?   Will you make a screenshot of a facebook status message of your enemy wanting lewd sexual acts?    Or will you be a decent human being, and live with honesty and integrity both on and offline?    

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Here are clearer pictures if you find the other ones to blurry.

Image 1:  http://i.imgur.com/sUTkJ.jpg    

      Image 2:  http://i.imgur.com/L03jk.jpg
Image 3:  http://i.imgur.com/OncIq.jpg

      Image 4:  http://i.imgur.com/Iddqq.jpg
Imgur album http://imgur.com/a/QwNbn