There I was falling in love with Melonie. Men and women liking each other? I knew it was wrong, but we were having such a great time together when we met at the fair. I was just about to leave when she tripped and fell over me. Quick reflexes made sure she didn't hit the concrete, and we got to talking. Personally I think she tripped on purpose to get my attention. They had to kick us out of the fair at closing time and although I knew 5 hours had gone by it seemed like only 5 minutes. We said our goodbyes and back to normal life.
I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. She made me feel like nothing I had every felt before. My boyfriend Ronan was a good catch. He's handsome, smart, well liked, my parents love him, and lets face it, he's got a KICK ASS Masculine name. But for some odd reason kissing him just makes me sick to my stomach. I know it shouldn't but I don't want his hands touching me anywhere, and I have no desire to touch him anywhere. Eeewww.
But no worries, because life is back to normal, and my day with Melonie was just a fluke. The Bishop is trying to get me to join the priesthood, and I've been giving it some thought. Meanwhile my Dad wants me to follow in his footsteps, but I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a farmer. My other dad is completely leaving it up to me to find my own way. Music is my passion, but we all know how much the average musician makes. Perhaps I'll be a teacher as I love history.
Which is funny because I went to the library 2 cities over for a copy of Ernest Hemmingway's Winner Take Nothing. Walking into the library, there she was. Melonie in all her glory. The light reflected off of her ivory skin with a radiance close to the sun. Her hair was so perfect and silky which somehow went perfectly with her sky blue dress. She was smiling at me as I walked up to greet her. I don't know what came over me, but I grabbed her head and kissed her. My moment passion didn't forsake us as she completely welcomed it making it our moment.
Our moment didn't last long however because just about everyone in the library was staring at us. I smiled at everyone, and took a step back, and they went back to what they were doing. With the exception of one young man who glared at me as he was walking out of the library. He apparently couldn't keep quiet either because as he passed he very crisply declared "Why can't you fucking hetos be fags like everyone else?" I know he was being an intolerant jerk, but I was ashamed. I felt like I needed to explain myself, not that I knew what to say. Not that it mattered much because he was out the door within in a split second of his saying that. I just watched him go.
Melonie was patient me with though as I put my shock and awe in check. Forcing a smile and putting her back to the center of attention took but a moment. She is for lack of a better term a goddess. We left the library and headed for a bite to eat. I even forgot my book. After some NACHOS and a stroll in park we made plans to meet again. She must have really wanted me to ask because when I did her eyes lit up like Christmas trees. And I couldn't wait until the next time we met.
Upon returning home without the book that I talked my Dad's ear off about, I had to make up an excuse. My Dad raised me to be honest though, so I simply told him I got sidetracked. It's not a lie. But he sensed something was fishy so he pried a little more, and I elaborated a little more. I met a new friend, the same one that kept me out past curfew during the fair, and we hung out. I completely spaced getting the book. To this he got a curt little smile on his face and asked me "What about Ronan?" Oh Crap! I completely forgot about Ronan. My Dad assumed I'd met another guy and I wasn't feeling up to correcting him just yet. My dad being the intuitive guy that he is just went back to doing what he was doing, and didn't even wait for an answer. My face must have flushed with acknowledgement or something because to him, I'm as transparent as glass.
How do I tell Ronan that it's over? He's been so good to me. As far as boyfriends go Ronan was the envy of the school. School Vice President and Foot Ball Captain, he was the envy of every guy in school. The man's man so to speak. I don't know how I caught his eye, but I did. Which made me the other envy of every other guy in school. Together we made a great team. He was good in all the subjects I wasn't, and visa versa, so studying together helped us to get straight A's. I knew he had the dream: go to the same colleges, get married, have a lot of boys, the whole 9, but that thought just makes me cringe. Oh to tell him? Oh boy oh boy. I have to break his heart and I really don't want to.
Thoughts of breaking up with Ronan, and other things were keeping me up at night. I knew I had to do it before I saw Melonie again, and the days were passing agonizingly slowly. Maybe because I was procrastinating at breaking up with Ronan, or maybe out of anticipation for meeting Melonie again. Most likely a bit of both, and although I really wanted to see Melonie, my morals were getting in the way. It's wrong to have a relationship with a girl. Boys and girls aren't supposed to love each other. It's against God's law. What would the bishop think? Maybe he can help me? What would my parents think?
Yeah, that's it. If I could get some spiritual guidance, maybe I could be gay like everyone else. I could stay with Ronan and have the white house with the picket fence with 2.5 children. God would be happy, my dad's would be happy, the bishop would be happy, Ronan would be happy, and we could have the ideal Christian life free of straight people and minorities. Maybe there is a way to change back to being gay the way God intended. There's gotta be.
The meeting with the bishop didn't go as planned. I went to tell him about my straight tendencies but buckled, and told him I stole something from old man Henry's store. Old man Henry was an extremely nice old man. He's owned the store for 50 years, and although he doesn't need to work there, he's always there. He always has time to listen to what you have to say, and has a knowledgeable reassuring smile. It's like he can give advice without saying a word, and then sends you away with a pat on the back making you feel like a million bucks. I couldn't have picked a worse lie to tell. I'm not used to lying at all, and that just came out. The bishop suggested that I go to old man Henry and confess, then ask for forgiveness. It's a good thing the bishop wasn't my dad or I'd have been squeezed for the truth.
This is why you shouldn't lie. One lie will send you spiraling to hell. If I hadn't lied to my Dad, I wouldn't have lied to to the bishop, and I wouldn't be on my way to old man Henry's. Thinking about what to do, I grabbed a wrench and went up to the old man, and confessed with yet another lie. I assumed that he would either take the wrench back or take the money for it, but again, another spirally twist came into the mix. The first thing he did was stare at me for an eternity with a barely detectable look of disappointment. I was actually beginning to feel guilty for my false crime. Then he put a caring arm around my shoulder and started walking me out the door. Then said with a smile "I'll see you after school Monday, and you'll need that wrench if you're gonna work here." Odd, I steal and end up with a job. Crazy.
It's two days until I meet up with Melonie again, and I still haven't figured out who to choose. Melonie or Ronan? I thought I made the choice, but my best laid plans got shot to hell. I'm back at square one, and I don't know what to do. Being with Melonie is an abomination, and I will let down everyone. Then it hits me. A moment of GENIUS. My family, friends, and the bishop don't even have to know. God will know, but I can talk to him about it in my prayers. Lying got me this far so I'll just keep quiet instead and see how that goes.
Ronan was there to meet me when I got off the bus, and greeted me with a big hug. Now or never I thought to myself and broke the news. He didn't take the "It's not you, it's me." speech very well. I don't think anyone ever takes it well, but it was true. How could he know I was straight and that was the reason. But being the man's man he is, he took all the responsibility for our failed relationship on himself. In hindsight, I probably should have waited until after school because he was a complete wreck the whole day. However, all the guys in school were ecstatic. We both had plenty of shoulders to cry on if ya know what I mean. Not that either one of us were criers.
My life is chaos, but I think I got a handle on it, but I was off to meet Melonie. WOOHOO! We were able to find a dark corner of the movie theater to steal a kiss out of public view. My heart was beating a little faster, and yet a complete feeling of calm came from holding her even for a just a bit. During the movie, I tried stealing her hand away to hold it. But she yanked it away gracefully. I didn't even see her shoulder twitch with my peripheral vision. She glanced over and smiled reassuringly, but didn't give me her hand. Not even in a darkened movie theater. I'm not sure if she's done this before or if it's natural, but she might want to look into applying with the CIA for incognito skills. It was plain and simple. She had absolutely no desire to let anyone know that she was straight and neither did I.
Old man Henry made sure that I worked 4 hour shifts after school, and that I had weekends off. The old man always looks out for his employees personal time. He always says that "life is worth living, and you can't live it if you're working all the time." which would make sense to me, if I'd ever seen him do anything but work. In all my memories of him from a child on up, He's always been working, unless someone grabs his attention which doesn't take much more than a squeak of a shoe. Now; working for him, it's doubly perplexing because I've never seen him take a break. Nobody treats me like a thief either so they either don't know about my kleptomania history, or think I've learned my lesson. Either way, I wasn't going to bring it up.
The next 3 months went pretty well. School and work during the week, and I was able to see Melonie on Saturday. Sunday was occupied by Church and Family Dinner. Just when I thought things were going alright, Melonie hit me with a bombshell. She wanted to come out of the closet. "Why should we hide our love." she said? "Why?" Come to find out, I'm the one who pushed us into the closet with that kiss in the darkened corner, and she didn't fight it. I guess that makes me a jerk, and I thought I was being considerate. I also realized though that I was unhappy as well. My dads were asking to meet the new guy, and the guys at school kept hitting on me one after the other. Ronan hadn't gotten a new boyfriend either, and I catch him glancing at me every now and again. You wouldn't guess it to look at him, but he's a hopeless romantic. He's waiting for as long as I need to take him back. I guess that dream of marrying your high school sweet heart hasn't died for him.
So we came to the decision to come out of the closet. Making that decision felt liberating in a way. The only thing left to do was come out. Her moms and my dads didn't know that either one us were straight. She's one strong woman I think because I'm not sure I would have had the strength to come clean if it weren't for Melonie's persevering reassurance. She's modest about it though claiming that I'm the one giving her strength. We decided to go home that night and tell our parents everything, then call each other and let the other know what happened.
Why is it that when you are hopefully waiting for something to come, it takes forever. But when you are dreading the task at hand, it's almost immediate. So there my dads were sitting in the living room waiting for my speech, but nothing was coming out. I called a family meeting, and I was speechless. Never the less they waited patiently. After what seemed like an eternity which was probably only a little less than 2 minutes, I blurted out. "I'm straight, and I've fell in love with a girl."
They stared at me in shock for a moment. I was dreading their reaction which seemed like forever, and then they reacted, and I wished that the dreaded moment hadn't passed. My dad started angrily asking "why?" "How do you know." "What have you done with her?" "Don't you know that heterosexuality is an abominable sin?" I didn't know he could fire off questions with such rapidity. Meanwhile my other dad started cooking dinner as if nothing had happened. I thought it strange, that he was trying to cook lasagna and whistle a tune while my other dad was yelling almost incoherently. He wasn't even waiting for the answers to my questions, and the answers I was able to give were brushed off as wrong without a single considerate thought. It was finally decided that we were going early to church tomorrow to talk with the bishop.
While my coming out to my parents only took about an hour, it seemed like a lifetime, but at least it was over. So went up to my room, waited for an hour while processing what just happened and called Melonie. Her parents must have confiscated her cell phone because one of her moms answered and very politely told me that I was not to call, come over, write letters, or contact Melonie in any way, and if I did, the police would be called. GODDAMMIT!!! We just did the hardest thing that either one of us has ever had to do and for what? To be ripped apart. My heart was ripping out of my chest. She wasn't but 20 miles away, and I wasn't allowed anywhere near her.
Could things get any freakin worse? Well, the next morning I went in to see the bishop. It's just a bit intimidating sitting between two dads and facing a bishop while talking about sexuality inside a church. The bishop actually impressed me in the beginning as I relayed the story about Melonie, and what we were up to for the past 3 months. He smiled with an intent caring look on his face the whole time. Well that was shattered when he spoke. "My son, heterosexuality is the worst sin in God's eyes. In the bible it states that a man would be better off dead than lie with a woman, and a woman will forever save her place in hell should she lie with a man. You've been such a good young man, and this is truly disheartening. But don't you worry, because we have a few different programs to help our young men and women choose the same sex again. Take Christ in your heart, and let him wash away your sins forever saving your soul." Finally, I was gaining a little hope back that my immortal soul wasn't in jeopardy. My parents were a little relieved as well.
Come to find out there are 3 different programs available. One is electroshock which is technically illegal. What they do is attach electrodes to your penis, and then give you a remote. Then they show you pictures of women and if you feel yourself getting aroused you have to hit the button which gives a very painful shock right to the genitals. All the while they are shouting obscenities at you, telling you you're a worthless heto satan worshipper. "How could you betray your creator with such a slap in the face. Fuckin Hetos."
The second program is a camp way out in the middle of the desert where they take your shoes so you can't run away. It's a boot camp of sorts where a drill sergent berates you in an attempt at reformation. There is also group counseling, and peer programs. It's very strict with a military grade schedule.
The third option is prayer, fasting, essays, and weekly visits with the bishop. The bishop told me that if I were to work hard enough that I could turn myself gay again, and live a normal and rewarding gay life. This was the most appealing option to me because I didn't want to go to hell. I still want my dads to love me, and I want to be a good upstanding citizen.
My stubbornness and teen bravado must have gotten in the way of reason because I blurted out that "I love Melonie and we can make it." So much for option 3, and thankfully, my dads weren't going to have anything to do with option 1. I guess it's gay boot camp after high school. While most kids finish high school and become adults in one way or another, I'll be heading off to gay camp. Granted, I'll be 18 but I don't want to be straight anymore. Look at all the trouble it's caused. Hopefully, by the grace of God they can fix me?
I don't know who spilled the beans, but when I got to school on Monday, everybody was acting strange. Perhaps it was one of my dads asking for advice from another friend, or maybe the bishop. Although it could have been one of Melonie's moms giving my community a heads up. Whatever the reason, everybody knew I was straight, and I had 2 months left of school. I used to be so cool and now everyone was avoiding me like a leper. The girls especially avoided me for fear I was undressing them with my eyes. Suddenly an outcast, I had paper signs attached to my back in a fake friendly pat on the back. They usually said something like "Kick Me I'm Straight." or "HETO". Needless to say I started checking my back after anyone touched me. But even then, sometimes walking along I was suddenly launched into the lockers or ladies with centripetal force making one big crash. Then those that threw me kept at it saying different things like "Fuckin Pussy Lover, can't you keep your hands off the girls?" Then looking over at the group of girls I crashed into, they had looks on their faces like they'd been violated, and played right along with my attackers.
With half the first week of coming out over, I was about ready to quit school. Those "It gets better" youtube clips helped a little. But everything seems to be getting worse and worse. And even then, when do things "get better"? Things aren't getting better. Old Man Henry has stopped talking to me. In fact he started taking breaks every now and again. Usually when I start walking towards him. My parents avoid me as well, but I think it's because they don't know what to say. That night I crawled into my bed right after school, pulled the covers over my head and cried in despair. Work didn't matter, school didn't matter, chuch didn't matter, and my parents didn't matter. They must have agreed too because work didn't call, and my parents didn't usher me off to work. It was probably 2 AM when I was done sulking and pulled the covers off and crawled out of bed. I'd missed dinner and went for a snack but once at the fridge, the thought of eating made me sick.
I don't know if it was a moment of weakness or what, but I found myself in the car headed to Melonie's house. The whole way there I kept telling myself that it was wrong, but I just kept going. Apologizing to God prayers wasn't working either. I just kept going until I found myself at her house. Once there I threw a rock at the window and oddly enough, she was already awake. I could tell she'd been crying as well. Sneaking out of the house, Melonie got in the car without a word. I started driving, not knowing where to go, and she just sat in the passenger seat hugging herself with her arms crossed in the fetal position and staring out the window. I had hoped for a little more interaction, but she was pretty much a statue. We stopped by the river and got out.
As I took her in my arms, She just burst into tears burying her head in my shoulder. This hug went on for probably another hour, and I think we let go of each other because our legs were buckling from locking our knee joints. Probably a good thing as the night would end soon enough, and it wasn't one to waste. From there she told me about how she's trying really hard with option number 3 on the church's way of dealing with straight kids, but she's going through a really hard time, and being with me is NOT helping.
Despite her outward disgust for what we share, she didn't ask me to take her home. We walked along the river bank holding hands, and I could tell that neither one of us had gotten any loving affection during the past 4 days since coming out. The hunger just to be touched with love instead of revulsion was nearly overpowering. Suddenly all our family and friends thought we would give them STD's or something from any touch. We decided that God must be punishing us for our sins, and that we should repent. We spent a good hour or so talking about God, and it was refreshing talking to someone who knew what I was going through rather than someone who could only focus on my sexual orientation.
We talked, but Melonie didn't tell me a few things. Her moms weren't ignoring her like my dads were. One was yelling at her all the time to do better, and the other was parading her around town to put her down with berating in front of everyone. It wasn't the best attempt at keeping the family socially viable, but it was working to some extent. The one yelling got violent when drunk and Melonie expertly hid the fresh bruises. Melonie's friends at school were taking turns pretending to be friends and then trying to put her into awkward situations. But at least to her that was some form of being nice. When they weren't doing that they were taping love letters to guys lockers with Melonie's name signed. One boy got so embarrassed after getting a love letter, that he ran up to her with no warning, kicked her in the stomach and yelled "I HATE YOU, YOU CUM GUZZLING, GUTTER SLUT!!!!!" Just for good measure, he then turned to the guy next to him, and planted a big juicy kiss for show. Yeah, Melonie didn't tell me these things.
Never the less, we agreed to do our best to change sexuality, and be friends after we had changed and became Gods Children again. The bishop assures us that repentance is attainable and we can get back on track with God's plan. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. Although I knew it was wrong, I couldn't help myself. I grabbed her, held her close, and kissed her deeply before taking her home. She fought a little, but mostly with herself for a second, and crumbled in my arms. One tiny piece of heaven in an uncertain gloomy future. Reluctantly I dropped her off at home as the sun was coming back up.
I wasn't more than 5 miles out of Melonie's town when I was pulled over by a police officer. Shortly after another one pulled up in front of me and just locked eyes on me while one more pulled up along side. They just sat there while the one in front was staring right at me. Then took off back to town. It was an odd experience to say the least, but the message was clear. "You're not welcome in our town, so stay away." the officers seemed to say by their actions. Why was everyone being so cold and heartless? Melonie and I were trying as hard as we could to get fixed, but it's like they were trying to break us rather than fix us. Yet the whole time all the adults were claiming it was for our own good, and all the kids. Well the kids were just mean for the sake of being mean. I don't know if I appreciated the kid's back handed honesty more than the adult's righteousness violent help or not. Either way it didn't matter because I got both, and so did Melonie.
Upon returning home, my dads were already up when I walked in the door, but they didn't say anything. Had this been a week ago, I would have a tanned hide. Am I not even worth disciplining anymore? Perhaps if I pray really hard things will go back to the way they were before. Never the less my dad cooked a huge breakfast and after seeing Melonie I suddenly had a huge appetite. He served it with a smile, and my other dad continued to ignore me as per the new usual behavior.
Although I hadn't slept, school was seemingly better as I only got a few scoffs and coughed insults by passerbys. Ronan caught up to me as I was walking out of the school and even offered me a ride home from him and a buddy. I was inclined to say no, but Ronan wouldn't hear of it. He said he just wanted to clear the air that's accumulated over the last couple of months, but first he had to drop off his buddy. To be fair to Ronan I told him "I'm not going to turn gay for you, I'm sorry." But he shrugged it off with a "Psshhh, no worries, but I do have a few things to say." I couldn't deny him that because we'd been walking on eggshells around each other for months and he just barely found out I left him for a woman. That had to be tough.
Ronan's Buddy lived out in the middle of nowhere apparently and we stopped at a cabin out in the middle of the woods where he invited us in for some hot pockets. I declined, but Ronan jumped at the chance for free pizza rolls, and since he was my ride, I guess I was hanging out. Which wasn't a bad thing, and I needed friends worse than I knew. It felt good to be in the company of other people again. However, I entered an empty cabin, and Ronan turned on me. Something was in his eyes I'd never seen before. What was it? I think it can best be described as a combination of hatred, hurt, and rage. I barely formed the thought "Oh Shit" when suddenly I noticed his shoulder twitch, and felt a crack on the side of my head. The room instantly dematerialized and the floor rematerialized.
The floor suddenly got a lot meaner with a kick to the ribs, and another, and another. Pretty soon it was like being in a dream watching everything happen to someone else. Ronan kept yelling things like "How could you, you fucking titty licker." "How could you leave me for a woman?" "I'm the laughing stock of the high school." "Fucking Rug Muncher." Meanwhile his new buddy just laughed and laughed, but also joined in. With a swift kick upside the head, he started his routine. "HAHAHAHA, Fuckin Heto! Betcha wish you were a fag now??" and kept kicking and kicking until he said "God sends bitch kissers like you to satan on a silver platter." I tried speaking up, but I doubt that what I was trying to say was audible above a whisper. To which Ronan held his hand up to stop his buddy saying "The Heto has something to say. What's on your mind boyfriend? Oh wait, no, you're not my boyfriend, you're a fucking Heto!" With a swift kick to the groin he said "now what do you have to say?" Gurgling blood I spit out the reply "God Loves Me." It didn't take them long to respond to that. "God loves you? How could God love a pussy licker like you? Think your better than Christ do you, you self righteous hole fucker." The next thing I know, my arms are being raised above my head and my hands are being tied behind me and around a telephone poll. They even managed to put my bound hands above the bottom foot nail making it so I couldn't sit down. "Fucking Abomination you are. Maybe you can get back in God's graces if you past Christ's test." After that, Ronan and his buddy climbed back in the car, and disappeared into a cloud of dust.
Blackness
Luckier than most that has had this happen, the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital. The beating was pretty severe, and there were quite a few broken bones. Mostly skull fractures and ribs. One of my hands had a few broken bones, and a broken pelvis. Both shoulders were dislocated from hanging on the telephone poll from an odd angle, but they weren't broken. However both shoulders were supported. My arms couldn't move, but were free from the body cast. I couldn't move, but due to the morphine, I also couldn't feel anything. To my right, were my dads holding each other and crying, and to my left holding my one good hand was Melonie.
Come to find out, the people that owned that cabin decided to go for a weekend at the lake. Otherwise I might have died. I had hung on the telephone poll for about 40 hours unconscious before I was found. With broken bones, and internal bleeding, it was a miracle that I was alive at all. One lung was completely full of blood. I apparently ruined the family's vacation that found me too, because they kept calling for updates. My dads apparently had a huge fight after I was found, and another one when Melonie showed up at the hospital. In trying to gain a bedside seat, my dad's were of two opposing opinions. Thankfully a nurse spoke up and said "If these two are in love, her presence can only help." It must have been close too because there is a family only policy. The hospital staff just turned their heads seeing no wrong in it.
I was healing up nicely and off the morphine after a few days. Melonie hadn't left my side from the moment she got there. She read to me, held my hand, fed me, talked with me, and took complete charge when anyone came in the room. She had walked out of her house with the clothes on her back, and hitchhiked to where I was being treated. Although being a 17 year old runaway, her moms hadn't filed missing person's report. She would have been destitute and homeless, but my dad bought her some clothes and food. Once well enough, I asked my dads to invite her home for a good nights rest in a bed. Surprisingly they had already offered, but she wouldn't leave. I had to convince her to go, even though she'd been sleeping in the chair for a week. Well, I guess I'm entering adulthood confused and broken. Holy crap. I was so consumed by everything that I didn't even realize.
I'm all grown up.
